Reappraising the 'KissCam' scandal

“They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?... [Jesus] lifted up himself, and said unto them, ‘He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her’...And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one…” --John 8:4-9

A year ago this week two obscure corporate executives, both legally married to others, were suddenly and reluctantly made infamous when the Coldplay concert Kiss Cam caught them in each other's arms. Astronomer CEO Andy Byron resigned, followed by Astronomer chief people officer Kristin Cabot. 

Cabot says she’s been called a “slut” and a "homewrecker" and received thousands of hostile phone calls and messages, mostly from women who, she laments, often “cut each other down.” In recent months she has been giving interviews and making progress restoring her reputation.

In an interview on The Oprah Podcast, Cabot described what transpired between her and Byron, and it sounds believable. She says the two bonded when her marriage was falling apart and “it was great for me to be able to go to talk with [Byron] about what I was going through.” Through his emotional support to Cabot, they became closer and she became attracted to him. “These feelings were real, they weren't a fleeting thing.”

He told her he was going through similar difficulties, and she says, “it was a surpise–he had been married for a long time and I thought all was well”, but that their talks became a “a safe space for him” to discuss it. For her, “It was so much easier to speak with someone who was going through the same things.”

She says, “We talked 10 times a day in the nature of our jobs. We had lunches together”, but claims that the concert was the first time they had shared any physical touch.

Cabot says that Byron led her to believe that he had or intended to separate from his wife, and that this was false. I suspect it’s more complicated than that–at times that was probably true, and exactly what Byron intended, but as he pingponged between the two he found himself both wanting to preserve his marriage and valuing and enjoying his growing bond with Cabot.

For the past year Byron has been in a humiliating seclusion. The Swiss media giant Blue Entertainment explains: “The web has spoken its verdict. Astronomer CEO Andy Byron is an adulterer. His punishment: social media stoning.”

We know little about Byroin’s marriage with Megan Kerrigan. However, it’s not hard to envision some of the factors that might have led Byron to Cabot. Likely she better than anyone could understand the special pressures and demands he faced as their company's CEO. 

Nor is it difficult to imagine how his career might have affected his wife and his marriage. As Byron climbed the corporate ladder, there probably were missed Back-to-School Nights and soccer practices. Date nights interrupted by important business calls, the relaxing Sunday brunch he promised ruined because he had to run into the office to deal with a crisis. 

At times, his wife may well have resented the demands his career put on their family. Perhaps Byron resented her resentment. 

Based on the inflection, “Your father can't be here, he's working” can sound sympathetic or unsympathetic. Perhaps Byron felt that Kerrigan, unhappy over his frequent absences, couldn’t or wouldn’t portray them to their children the way he might have wanted. 

Maybe they disagreed over how to raise their children. Since she had more time and access to them than he did, maybe he felt she didn’t give his wishes enough weight, or follow through with decisions they had both agreed upon. Maybe he felt, as fathers sometimes do, that his boys’ mother overindulged them, that out of love she did things for them they should really be doing for themselves, and then was unhappy about the burden this was on her.

Maybe he felt he was sacrificing for his family, and that by working hard to give her and their kids a magnificent lifestyle, he was being a good husband and father. Maybe he felt she should be grateful. Maybe she had been grateful, but somewhere along the line her gratitude came to be replaced by her feeling that even when he wasn't working, he was still working.

Maybe she tried to explain, and he couldn't or wouldn't hear her. Maybe he felt constrained or even trapped on his career path, leading him to tune her out. Maybe she grew weary of being tuned out.

Maybe he was lonely, and was unhappy in his marriage. Maybe when he tried to explain how he felt, she listened. Maybe when he tried to explain how he felt, all he heard back were her complaints.

He may have come to believe it’s better not to tell her how he felt. Maybe he wished there was someone who could understand how he felt. Maybe Cabot, a colleague and a peer, did.

Maybe he felt, as husbands sometimes do, that when his wife had to work hard at her job, he was supportive of the burdens she faced, but when he had to work hard at his job, he had to be apologetic about the demands it made. When she has to work hard, she’s the one who suffers. When he has to work hard, she’s the one who suffers, too.

Of course, an affair is not the way to deal with marital problems. Byron, in addition to being remarkably unlucky, certainly has brought some of his troubles on himself. 

After the KissCam, he might have wanted to tell the public his side of the story, but when a man is caught in a situation like this, generally the only thing to do is to accept all blame. When a husband tries to justify himself, often the aggrieved wife will bury him under an avalanche of her grievances to convince the world she’s been wronged.

When I worked in the divorce field I heard the details of hundreds of failed marriages. ”Wife good/husband bad” is a mulish caricature of marriage, ignoring the often complicated interplay between spouses, and the ways in which both parties usually contribute to the marriage’s demise. If the keyboard mob had taken a moment to reflect before getting a rope, they would have seen evidence of this in their own lives and relationships.

When the kiss cam caught Byron and Cabot, they seemed genuinely happy in each other’s arms. If Cabot really made Byron that happy, were his actions really so surprising?