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Jim,
a Michigan technology consultant, can't even remember what
his daughter looks like.
"I haven't been allowed to see my little Caroline for over
three years," he says. "The last picture I have of her was
taken four years ago, when she was eight years old. The only
contact I'm allowed with her is a short phone call every
Sunday, and often even that is blocked."
Jim, a Commander in the Naval Reserve, has fought the
toughest battle of his life to remain in his daughter's
life. Twelve years ago his ex-wife left their home in
Michigan and moved with their baby to Louisiana. Time and
again Jim says he has paid the $600 round trip fare to go to
Louisiana to see his daughter only to have his visitation
blocked, even when he has come to visit his daughter on her
birthday.
Jim has appealed to the courts on numerous occasions to
enforce his visitation rights, to no avail. At the same
time, he has paid enormous legal fees (as well as child
support) and has almost been forced into bankruptcy. He
says:
"I sometimes wonder if that picture of Caroline is the last
one I'll ever see."
Jim and hundreds of thousands like him are part of a new
generation of heroic fathers who fight a long, hard, and
often desperate struggle to remain a part of their
children's lives.
Three-quarters of divorced fathers surveyed maintain that
their ex-wives have substantially interfered with their
visitation rights. As many as 40% of mothers surveyed have
admitted they have interfered with visitation and that their
motives were punitive and not due to safety considerations.
A nationwide study of children of divorce confirmed these
sentiments.
Some fathers have even been denied all contact with their
children because courts have accepted false and/or
uncorroborated accusations of domestic violence or child
sexual abuse. Forensic consultant Dean Tong, author of
Elusive Innocence, believes that in the context of a custody
battle, between 60% and 80% of domestic violence accusations
are false. According to a study conducted in New York state,
75% of child sexual abuse accusations made during custody
battles were shown to be unfounded or unsubstantiated.
Other fathers have suffered at the hands of "move-away moms"
who permit or even use geography to drive fathers out of
their children's lives. And some fathers have watched
helplessly as their own children have been taught to hate
them.
Fathers with horror stories are not hard to find. Like
Daniel Lee, the founder of the Tennessee shared parenting
group Child's Best Interest, who has flown nearly half a
million miles over the last five years so that he can see
his son, who was taken to live 2,000 miles away. Or Edgar
P., a Los Angeles father who risked a one year jail sentence
for a domestic violence charge because he knew that pleading
guilty in a plea bargain would destroy his chances of
obtaining visitation rights with his young daughter. He was
acquitted of the charge last year but is still only allowed
to see his child a few hours a week.
Some distraught fathers find the situation so painful that
they destroy themselves. Following an adverse family court
decision last year, 20-year Navy veteran Derrick Miller
walked up to court personnel at the entrance to a San Diego
courthouse, waved his court documents, said "You did this to
me," and shot himself in the head. Nationwide divorced
fathers are ten times as likely to commit suicide as
divorced mothers, and more than twice as likely to commit
suicide as married fathers.
Other fathers simply give up and drop out of their
children's lives.
Increasingly, fathers like Lee and Jim, a member of a
Michigan shared parenting group, are turning to political
activism. Jim says:
"I want to change the system so that no father ever again
has to go through what I've been through. The problem is not
my ex. The problem is a family court system which allows her
to do this."
This column first appeared in the Long Beach Times
(6/5/03).
Glenn Sacks is a men's and fathers' issues columnist and
radio talk show host. His columns have appeared in dozens of
America's largest newspapers. His radio show,
His Side with Glenn Sacks,
can be heard every Sunday on KRLA 870 AM in Los Angeles.
Glenn can be reached via his website,
at
www.GlennSacks.com
or by e-mail at
Glenn@GlennSacks.com.
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