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The largest
factor in predicting whether a child will graduate high school,
attend college, become involved in crime or drugs, or get
pregnant before age 18 is the presence (or absence) of a father
in the child's life. Studies show that this remains true even
after adjustments for household income. Yet at the same time, we
allow hundreds of thousands of fathers to be locked out of their
children's lives by ex-spouses who ignore their kids' need for a
dad, and by a family court system that is biased against
fathers.
The divorced dad has endured more unwarranted criticism than
perhaps any other group in our time. Isn't the divorced dad, we
are told, a man who abandoned his family? A dead-beat dad? A
child abuser?
Occasionally, yes. Usually, no.
Close to 70% of all divorces involving couples with children
are initiated by the mother, not the father. Studies show that
couples agree that the reasons for these divorces are usually
not infidelity or abuse but instead a lack of
"closeness" or of not feeling "loved and
appreciated."
Most "deadbeat dads" are either poor, unemployed,
or are denied access to their children. Among men who have had
no employment problems in the past year, and have had access to
their children, more than 80% pay their child support in full.
Less than 5% don't pay at all, and fathers actually have a much
better record of paying court-ordered child support than mothers
do.
There are fathers who abuse their kids. However, 70% of
confirmed cases of child abuse and 65% of parental murders of
children are committed by mothers, not fathers, according to the
U.S. Department of Justice. Children are 88% more likely to be
seriously injured from abuse or neglect by their mothers than by
their fathers.
How can we get fathers back into their children's lives?
There are five needed, long overdue reforms:
1) Enforce
fathers' visitation rights. Three-quarters of divorced fathers
surveyed maintain that their ex-spouses have substantially
interfered with their visitation rights. A study of children of
divorce found that 42% of children who lived solely with their
mother reported that their mother tried to prevent them from
seeing their fathers after the divorce. However, only 16% of
children who lived solely with their father reported similar
obstruction. In another study, 40% of divorced mothers admitted
that they had interfered with their ex-husbands access or
visitation, and that their motives were punitive in nature and
not due to safety considerations. Yet the government spends $340
on enforcing child support for every $1 it spends on enforcing
visitation rights. Prosecutions of fathers who violate child
support mandates are common, whereas prosecutions of mothers who
violate visitation orders are rare.
2)
Make joint
custody a reality instead of a meaningless scrap of paper. Many
states have a joint legal custody norm, but in practice it means
that the mother is issued physical custody and the father can
only see his children a few days a month. Studies reveal that divorced mothers are five
times as likely to be satisfied with custody arrangements as
divorced fathers. It is imperative that joint custody means 50%
physical time with each parent, or a time-sharing agreement
negotiated between parents whom the court treats as
equals. Studies reveal that divorced mothers are five
times as likely to be satisfied with custody arrangements as
divorced fathers. It is imperative that joint custody means 50%
physical time with each parent, or a time-sharing agreement
negotiated between parents whom the court treats as
equals.
3) Don't hold the father's breadwinner role against him. Men
are generally expected to sacrifice time with their kids in
order to be their family's main breadwinner. When divorcing
couples go to family court the judge gives the children
primarily to the mother because the father "hasn't nurtured
them as much." Why not? Because he was earning the
household income that made it possible for the mother to spend
more time nurturing the children.
4) Crack down on "Move Away Parents"--custodial
parents who violate court orders by moving their children away
from their ex-spouses.
5) Penalize ex-spouses who make false accusations of child
abuse, molestation, etc., during custody disputes. Many warring
ex-spouses use false accusations as their "ace in the
hole" in a custody battle. Studies have shown that in this
context, 75% of child sexual abuse accusations are unfounded or
unsubstantiated.
The man who abandons his children is a pariah in our society,
as he should be. But if it's despicable for a father to abandon
his children, is it not equally despicable for a mother to drive
a father out of his children's lives?
This
column first appeared in the
Chicago Tribune, the
Salt Lake City Tribune, and the Los Angeles Daily News (6/17/01). |