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The stay at home mom vs.
working mom debate is raging again, following a report by the
National Institute of Child Health and Human Development that
children in day care are more aggressive and hostile by the time
they're in kindergarten than those in a mother's care. One could
make a case for either side in the debate but let me instead
suggest a third option--father care. There is plenty of research
to support the idea, but I'll begin with my own research--my
family.
Three years ago, at the birth
of my daughter, we were a traditional family--I worked long
hours, and my wife had left her job to be at home. My wife was
unhappy at home and missed her career, and I was unhappy being
away from my kids. My wife suggested that we switch roles. The
idea had never occurred to me, but I decided to try it.
Our new roles worked better
than I ever would have dreamed. My daughter and I have bonded as
closely as any mother and child and have spent countless happy
days together. Both family and strangers always comment about my
daughter's radiant confidence and self-esteem, as well as her
attachment to daddy. She is happy, well-adjusted, and
strong-willed--and a product of father care.
Can fathers do the job?
Research says yes. A Yale study found that infants living only
with their fathers were two to six months ahead of other infants
in personal and social skills, and that older babies in
father-care exhibited similar advantages. Another survey found
that boys in father-custody homes have higher self-esteem, are
more mature, more independent, and less demanding than boys in
mother-custody homes. A recent Danish study comparing toddlers
in single mom and single dad homes found that the father care
children had fewer temper tantrums, were less-sensitive to
criticism, less fearful, less likely to feel lonely, and more
likely to have high self-esteem. Fathers were included in the
controversial new National Institute study but in such small
numbers that the results were not statistically meaningful.
Can men be as nurturing as
women? If given the chance, yes. Men, in general, aren't as
nurturing as women not because of biology or testosterone but
because it has never been men's role to be nurturing. Men's role
has been to compete in the work world in order to provide for
their families. The woman's role has been to nurture. Give a man
the role of nurturer and he'll become nurturing. My wife often
remarks upon how much calmer, patient and "centered" I've
become since switching roles.
Are men more likely to lose
patience with children and abuse them? Studies show that fathers
are less likely than mothers to use physical punishments with
their kids. According to the US Department of Justice, 70% of
confirmed cases of child abuse and 65% of parental murders of
children are committed by mothers, not fathers. According to the
US Department of Health and Human Services, adjusting for the
greater number of single mothers, a custodial mother is five
times as likely to murder her own children as a custodial father
is. Children are 88% more likely to be seriously injured from
abuse or neglect by their mothers than by their fathers. There's
no reason to think that children are safer in the primary care
of a mother than of a father.
Can men be convinced to do
it? Given the proper adjustments, many can. The idea never
occurs to most men--just as it never occurred to me--but if they
think about the advantages--loving care for the kids and plenty
of time to spend with them, no supervisor breathing down their
necks, a temporary release from the 40 years of work without
interruption that is the fate of most men--many men will come to
embrace the idea. Sometimes when I get frustrated with housework
I remember days when I'd work until 10 and come home and carry
my sleeping son around the house on my shoulder because I missed
him so much and I realize how lucky I am.
Stay-at-home dads will have
to struggle with certain prejudices. For one, our society exalts
female sacrifice in mothering and housework, yet when a guy
actually says "OK, I'll do all that stuff--you go have your
career" he's immediately derided as a slacker or a leech,
as well as unmanly. Unfortunately, some women's advocates have
helped to aggravate this situation by producing misleading
studies specifically designed to portray stay-at-home dads as
lazy.
Men will also have to
approach the job in their own way--not as a poor copy of a
stay-at-home mom, but as a dad. All baby-care products and
rituals now revolve around women and men will need to make some
changes. For example, in place of the standard changing table,
which seems to be built for a woman who's about 4' 10", I
built my own--one comfortable for a 6' 2" male, with
shelves above it, instead of cabinets below it. My wife says she
can't use it without a ladder, but that's not important because
it's right for me and I'm usually the one who uses it. I keep us
on a home-cooking only economy and to help myself I partially
remodeled the kitchen, installing lots of ceiling racks and
hooks to keep pots and pans up where I can get to them.
Can father care work
economically? For some families, it clearly won't. But many
couples find that having a stay-at-home parent is much more
economical than a two-income family. The second income is lost
but the one-income couple saves on day care, taxes, food, and a
thousand other expenses that two-income couples rack up due to a
lack of time or workday flexibility. Having me at home has saved
us tens of thousands of dollars not only because I've used my
"female" skills (child care, cooking) but also because
I've used my "male" skills (carpentry, woodworking,
etc.) to fix our "fixer-upper" house where another
couple would have to pay contractors.
As author Warren Farrell
notes, in the beginning of the feminist era we were often told
that "the best man for the job is a woman," and
sometimes it was true. In the current child care dilemma,
sometimes the best "mother" for a child is a father.
This column first appeared in
W. New York Family
Magazine
(6/01).
Glenn
Sacks' columns on men's and fathers' issues have appeared in dozens of America's
largest newspapers. Glenn can be reached via his website at
www.GlennSacks.com or
via email at Glenn@GlennSacks.com.
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