The American Coalition for Fathers and
Children
The American Coalition for Fathers and
Children is dedicated to creating a
family law system which promotes equal
rights for all parties affected by divorce.
Contact the ACFC at 1-800-978-3237 or
visit them on the web at
www.acfc.org.
Parenting Plan Calendar Software
Shared Ground (R) is an easy-to-use
custody calendar software program designed
for divorced families to track visitation
schedules. Includes a built-in percentage
calculator, schedule templates, free
training and excellent customer assistance.
Parents, attorneys, arbitrators and
mediators can generate equitable parenting
plans, which is especially useful for
parents seeking fair division of their
children's time. FREE TRIAL SOFTWARE
AVAILABLE by clicking
here.
The Second Wives Club
The Second Wives Club is what women
in blended families are looking for:
Remarriage, divorce, child custody,
and step-parenting discussed in a solution-oriented,
mature, and intelligent way; articles
and news written by thought-provoking
experts and journalists; personal accounts
and advice from some of life's most
interesting women.
www.SecondWivesClub.com
|
New Column: Schwarzenegger Should Veto AB 2051
My new co-authored column,
Schwarzenegger Should Veto AB 2051 (Orange
County Register, 9/20/06),
discusses a bill just
passed by the California legislature which perpetuates
California's harmful policy of excluding men
and their children from receiving state-funded
domestic violence services. The bill references
"battered women" 31 times, yet never once mentions
"male victims" or "men." In the column Mike
McCormick, Executive Director of the
American Coalition
for Fathers and Children, and I wrote:
"The California Assembly just passed a domestic
violence bill which will perpetuate the state's
harmful policy of excluding men and their children
from receiving state-funded domestic violence
services. Under AB 2051, only 'battered women'
are eligible for the shelters, hotel vouchers,
counseling and legal services the state provides
victims of domestic violence. Governor Schwarzenegger
should veto this misguided legislation.
"Because AB 2051 is based on the discredited
premise that men are rarely the victims of intimate
partner abuse, the bill has aroused considerable
opposition from domestic violence researchers
and treatment providers. In May, more than 50
experts signed an opposition letter to the Legislature.
They wrote:
"'The data is without question--domestic
violence affects both men and women. The politicization
of this issue must stop and services must be
provided to all children and their parent victims.'
"The signatories include many of the most
prominent authorities in the family violence
field. As Bay Area court-certified batterer
intervention provider John Hamel, LCSW, explained
in his testimony against the bill, research
shows that a third of domestic violence-related
injuries are incurred by heterosexual males."
To write a Letter to the Editor about the
column, write to the Orange County Register,
a 300,000 circulation newspaper in the
greater Los Angeles area, regarding "Domestic
Violence Bill Unfair to Men" (9/20/06) by clicking
here.
If your letter is published, let me know and
I will link to it from a future enewsletter.
Schwarzenegger's Office Flooded with Letters
Opposing AB 2051
Governor Schwarzenegger's office
has been flooded with letters opposing AB 2051
since our call to action two weeks ago. To
write to the Governor to tell him to veto AB
2051, click
here. By filling out the form you will
be sending a fax to the Governor. The Governor
will be signing or vetoing the bill this week.
To learn more about AB 2051,
see my co-authored column
AB 2051 Moves California in Wrong Direction
on Domestic Violence (Daily Breeze
[Los Angeles], 6/1/06). To read the bill,
click
here.
Give Us a Break, Huh?
The media often carries stories which greatly
exaggerate the findings of studies when those
studies go against men and fathers. The article
Joint custody fails to reduce violence by ex-spouses,
researcher says (Ottawa Citizen,
9/25/06) is an example. We're told:
"Shared child custody after marriage breakdown
can perpetuate spousal violence instead of promoting
an amicable divorce settlement, according to
a study by a University of Quebec sociologist.
"Denyse Cote, who has completed a study of residents
of women's shelters in the Outaouais and Montreal,
says most of the women she interviewed told
her that their former partners continued to
abuse them after courts decided on joint custody
for their children...
"The Gatineau, Que., sociologist said the
problem with joint custody arrangements is that
they can lead to frequent contact between female
victims of violence and males who feel they
must remain in control and cannot manage their
anger.
"Cote said the judicial system should reconsider
the idea that joint custody is the best solution
in most cases of marriage breakdown.
'''Joint custody is popular nowadays and corresponds
to our idea of parental roles being changed,'
Cote said. 'But the problem is that joint custody
puts a victim of spousal violence in constant
contact with her aggressor.
'''One of the misconceptions about joint custody
is that it can help couples solve their conflicts.
Sometimes it is best if the woman or the man
has sole custody because it means there will
be less contact and less risk of violence.'
"Cote said joint custody is possible only when
both parents are able to manage their differences.
She said high-conflict separations should not
lead to joint custody of children."
Sounds impressive, right? Except that Cote's
pool of interview subjects consisted
entirely of battered women's shelter workers
and women living at the shelters. She wants
to know if women in joint custody situations
are abused by their exes, so she goes to shelters--where
the only attendees are women who (supposedly)
have been battered--to look for interview subjects.
This would be similar to declaring a new cancer
drug a failure after conducting studies only
of those currently in the hospital, ignoring
others--perhaps the vast majority--who are not
in the hospital because the drug worked.
To their credit, Cote and reporter Dave Rogers
do acknowledge that the study is not an attempt
to find out how common this problem is. But
that's not the way the article is spun, and
that's certainly not how the study will be reported
by opponents of joint custody and fatherhood.
Also, we have no independent substantiation
that the women Cote studied have been battered.
Certainly some of the women at battered
women's shelters have been victimized, sometimes
quite horribly. Others are there because they
were injured in mutual combat, or in combat
which they themselves initiated. Others haven't
been abused at all but are there because they
are using the shelters' facilities as transitional
housing. Some contact battered women's services
as custody maneuvers. I'm deeply suspicious
of any study which declares women to be victims
simply because they and the shelter workers--many
of whom are anti-male--declare they are.
Conclusion? The study may (or may not) have
turned up a small handful of women who were
genuinely abused and should not be in joint
custody situations, but it says nothing about
joint custody in general. To write to the
Ottawa Citizen regarding
Joint custody fails to reduce violence by ex-spouses,
researcher says (9/25/06), go to
letters@thecitizen.canwest.com.
Looking for Paternity Fraud Victims
I was contacted by a magazine writer who
is looking for paternity fraud cases in which
the man was married and was surprised to discover
that one or more of his children were not biologically
his. If this is you, write to me at
Glenn@GlennSacks.com.
Finally What Child Support Payers
Need
Child Support obligors face
a stacked deck when squaring
off against CS Enforcement's
army of lawyers and agents,
all pitted against some beleaguered
father who's working 50 hours
a week to pay his child support
and support his family. The
burden of proving compliance
with court-ordered support falls
on the obligor, not the custodial
parent or the enforcement agencies.
Very often fathers are forced
to pay money they don't really
owe, or are saddled with fake
arrearages and the concomitant
interest and penalties.
Since the state provides
a ton of free assistance to
custodial parents, fathers need
quality, affordable representation
for these battles.
Child Support Liberation's Child
Support Audits and Record Management
Program helps obligors challenge
arrears by producing professional,
top-quality self-audits which
include all the necessary records
in the proper form.
CSARMP then conducts quarterly
audits that will alert obligors
to overcharges. In addition,
they will maintain ongoing records
of obligations, payments and
interest.
CSARMP costs only $13 a
month ($38 for the first month
only) and can be cancelled with
only 30 days notice. To learn
more or to sign up, click
here and
here. If you have any questions,
write to Michael Kennedy of
Child Support Liberation
by clicking
here.
|
|
The Children's Rights Council's 20th Annual
Conference in November
The Children's Rights Council's 20th annual
conference--"Shared Parenting in the 21st Century:
Exploring the Best Interests of Children"--will
be held in the Washington, DC area from November
3rd through the 6th. To learn more about the
conference, click
here. To read the conference flyer, click
here.
The guest list is very impressive, and includes:
Wally "Famous" Amos, founder of Famous Amos
Cookies in 1975, and father of the gourmet chocolate
chip cookie industry.
Congressman Roscoe G. Bartlett (R-MD), a
co-sponsor of a proposed resolution in favor
of joint custody.
Margot Bean, J.D., head of the Office of
Child Support Enforcement (OCSE).
Syndicated advice columnist Amy Dickinson.
Ron Henry, J.D., author of
The Innocent Third Party: Victims of Paternity
Fraud (Family Law Quarterly, Summer
2006).
Daniel B. Hogan, J.D., Ph.D., Executive Director
of Fathers & Families.
Ned Holstein, M.D., M.S. Dr., President of
Fathers and Families.
Teresa L. Kaiser, J.D. A member of the Children's
Rights Council Board of Trustees, and former
Director of the Child Support Enforcement systems
in Maryland, Idaho and Missouri.
Jean-David Levitte, French Ambassador to
the United States.
David L. Levy, J.D., Chief Executive Officer
of the Children's Rights Council and a nationally
known expert on children and family rights.
Hadassah Luther Hadassah, popular recording
artist.
Jayne A. Major, Ph.D., founder of Breakthrough
Parenting Services Inc., a non-profit agency
providing educational services parents affected
by divorce and child custodial issues.
Elizabeth Marquardt, author of
Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children
of Divorce.
Michael L. Oddenino, J.D., General Counsel
for the Children's Rights Council.
Kathleen Parker, syndicated columnist.
Dwight Twilley, popular recording artist.
I will also be speaking.
|
Accurate Paternity Testing
There are many important reasons
why people choose to have a
paternity test done. A child
is entitled to the sense of
belonging and identity that
comes from knowing his/her parents.
An alleged father also has the
right to know if a child is
biologically his. Paternity
fraud in the United States is
unfortunately a fairly common
occurrence, affecting perhaps
millions of men. Now you can
get the accurate, fast and affordable
answers to your paternity questions.
Visit
www.accuratepaternity.com
or call 877-434-0292 to talk
to a DNA testing expert or to
order a confidential test today.
Do You and Your Kids Go Camping?
The WoodGas Camp Stove burns
almost any fuel nature provides--including
twigs, pine cones or any plant
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Developed by a scientist with
30+ years experience in biomass
energy, it generates the heat
of a normal kitchen stove, and
is great for emergency preparedness.
www.woodgas-stove.com.
Attention California Child Support
Obligors
Under the
Compromise of Back Child Support
Program, when money is owed
to the government (not the mother),
the government may compromise
on back child support for up
to 90% off. This law was passed
in recognition of the fact that
there have been many inequitable
child support judgments that
can no longer be appealed. We
operate anywhere in California--to
learn more about this program,
contact family law attorney
Robert Ackermann at (310) 442-8240
or at
ChildsupportLA@aol.com.
|
|
Erring on the Side of Hidden Harm: The Granting
of Domestic Violence Restraining Orders
In commenting on the ACFC's National Family
Law Reform Conference last week I discussed
what I believe is excessive judge-bashing in
the fathers' movement. You can read my comments
at
Criticism of Judges.
David N. Heleniak, Esq., author of "The New
Star Chamber: The New Jersey Family Court And
The Prevention Of Domestic Violence Act" (Rutgers
Law Review, Spring 2005) spoke at the conference
as part of a panel discussion called "VAWA and
DV Issues in Shared Parenting." Apparently he
agrees with some of my sentiments about judge-bashing--he
sent me his recent article
Erring on the Side of Hidden Harm: The Granting
of Domestic Violence Restraining Orders.
In the section quoted below he discusses an
interesting case which says volumes about the
problems fathers face in family court.
"On September 19, 2005, Yvette Cade went
before Judge Richard A. Palumbo seeking an extension
of a domestic violence restraining order against
her husband, Roger Hargrave. Palumbo, whether
from confusion, clerical error, or a genuine
belief that the extension was unwarranted, dismissed
the restraining order. One month later, Hargrave
walked into the cell phone store where Cade
worked, doused her with gasoline, and set her
on fire.
"Two weeks after the attack, Palumbo was removed
from all domestic violence cases and placed
on administrative duty. On July 20, 2006, Cade
was interviewed by Nancy Grace on CNN's Headline
Prime. Grace, emblematic of the media reaction,
introduced the interview with:
"'Tonight, a primetime exclusive. She went before
a trial judge and begged for help, begged for
protection. He refused to hear her pleas for
help. And then her nightmare came true. Her
estranged husband came to her office and set
her on fire. But against all odds, she lived,
and tonight she wants justice. And PS, to the
judge that sentenced her to being burned alive,
Maryland judge Richard Palumbo, you are in contempt!'
"Adding to this, one of Grace's other guests,
Congressman Ted Poe, commented: 'Well, Nancy,
you know I believe that judges need to be accountable
for their actions just like we make criminals
accountable. And this judge, whether it's a
mistake or incompetence on his part, he needs
to leave the bench.' A judicial misconduct hearing
scheduled for the end of August was cancelled
when Palumbo announced he planned to retire
on August 4th because of health problems.
"Whether or not the horrific criminal act committed
by Hargrave would have been prevented had Palumbo
extended the restraining order, the Yvette Cade
tragedy and the ensuing backlash against Palumbo
is likely to have just one result. As if things
weren't bad enough already in the family courts,
judges are going to be even more likely to grant
restraining orders, regardless of the facts,
rather than risk being held responsible for
a similar tragedy."
Read the full article
here.
Dave's speech regarding restraining orders at
the ACFC conference was very interesting--I'm
told that the ACFC is planning to make the video
of it available. I was moderating his panel,
and as he was speaking right next to me I tried
to figure out whether he was extremely nervous
or suffering from some kind of illness. It turned
out it was the former. I tried to calm him down
with these words of wisdom--"What are you so
worried about? Here you can only look foolish
in front of 100 people. I've made a fool of
myself in front of millions of people..."
|
Ann Richards and Men
Former Texas Governor Ann Richards died recently
and is being given high praise in eulogies from many
of America's political leaders. I can't say I share
their high opinions.
During the 1988 Democratic Party convention Richards
was unmerciful towards then-president George Bush, deriding
him as a spoiled, wimpy little boy who'd never done
anything for himself. Among many other things, she described
him as a man "who was born with a silver foot in his
mouth" and as "being born on third base and thinking
he hit a triple."
I remember thinking at the time how strange it was
that Richards would deride Bush as "spoiled" and "wimpy"
when he had served in World War II with such distinction.
After all, what on earth had Richards ever done that
gave her the moral authority to portray Bush as never
having to had suffer or sacrifice? Richards' life was
a hell of a lot safer and easier than Bush's.
After Pearl Harbor Bush enlisted in the Navy on his
18th birthday and became the youngest naval aviator
in the US military at that time. According to the Department
of the Navy's
George Bush in World War II: A Short Bibliography:
"[Bush's] squadron was based on USS San Jacinto...San
Jacinto commenced operations against the Japanese in
the Bonin Islands...Bush piloted one of four aircraft
from VT-51 that attacked the Japanese installations
on Chi Chi Jima...During their attack, four TBM Avengers
from VT-51 encountered intense antiaircraft fire. While
starting the attack, Bush's aircraft was hit and his
engine caught on fire. He completed his attack and released
the bombs over his target scoring several damaging hits.
With his engine on fire, Bush flew several miles from
the island, where he and one other crew member on the
TBM Avenger bailed out of the aircraft."
None of Bush's other crewmen survived. Bush flew
58 combat missions in 1944 and was later awarded the
Distinguished Flying Cross and three Air Medals. Amazing
how he could do all of that with a silver spoon in his
mouth...
Richards also annoyed me during the California Gubernatorial
recall election in 2003. Richards campaigned for Democratic
Governor Gray Davis. At one rally she made the following
domestic violence "joke":
"I know you all are worried about the economy in
California but I want to assure you that it's a problem
all over the country. In fact in Texas the price of
gas has gone up so high that women who want to run over
their husbands are car-pooling."
Richards' "joke" referred to the
Clara Harris 'Murder by Mercedes' Case. Harris murdered
her husband by running him down repeatedly as the man's
teenage daughter begged Harris not to kill her father.
I have covered the Harris case extensively--so extensively
that one of Clara's friends once wrote me an angry letter.
Apparently Harris didn't like one of my columns about
her case. When I think of poor Clara sitting in a jail
cell fuming over a Glenn Sacks column my heart just
breaks...
I don't know a lot about Richards' career as a whole--if
anyone has more positive memories of her than I have,
feel free to let me know. To learn more about the Clara
Harris case, see my columns "In
Defense of David Harris" (LewRockwell.com,
3/4/03) and "Convicted
Murderess Can Get Custody but Decent Fathers Can't"
(Houston Chronicle, 9/19/03), and listen to the
His Side
shows Oprah
Whitewashes Clara Harris' 'Murder by Mercedes' (5/1/05)
and
CBS' 'Suburban
Madness': It's OK to Kill Your Husband (10/4/04).
Has Your Career Been Impacted by Custody Issues?
After empowering people's careers for over 20
years, I was duly initiated into family law
just like you--through a 30 month, $520,000
custody suit. I learned that a solid home-based
business could be the best option, allowing
one to shake the financial shackles while still
experiencing a "no limits" career. More than
ever, our kids now need a free and available
parent. Be there for them...and for yourself.
Darrell W. Gurney,
www.CEOinShorts.com
Concerned about Financial Issues in Your Divorce?
If you're concerned about financial issues in
your divorce, contact
Jim DiGabriele of DiGabriele, McNulty &
Co by email
here or at 973-243-2600.
Letters From a Deadbeat Dad
Have you ever been framed as a "deadbeat dad"
while you were just trying to be a father? Have
you ever been forced to pay child support while
being denied your basic rights? Have you ever
had to explain Parental Alienation Syndrome
to your own child? Have you ever heard about
fighting family law battles outside the law
by following principles of non-violence--and
winning? Read
Letters From a Deadbeat Dad by
Cosmo Monkhouse.
|
When Women Do It, It's Not Domestic
ViolenceWhen a man destroys or attempts
to destroy the property of his wife, girlfriend,
or ex, we call it "domestic violence." I have
mixed emotions about this--on one hand such
acts are abusive, on the other, I don't
like to apply the label "violence" to anything
but violence.
Regardless, our society takes a very different
approach to such acts when a woman commits them.
Witness the lighthearted story
When trying to get revenge, details are important
(Chicago Sun-Times, 9/20/06):
"Two Aurora residents might have learned that
lesson the hard way when one woman apparently
tried to get back at her allegedly unfaithful
husband this past weekend.
"According to the Kane County state's attorney's
office, Tamieka Ayanech, 31, called co-worker
Johnnie Logan, 45, to ask for help in punishing
Ayanech's husband for supposedly cheating on
her.
"Ayanech wanted to damage her husband's silver
truck, so both women went looking for the vehicle
on River Street, according to charging documents.
"About 8 p.m. Saturday, Ayanech was seen slashing
the tires of a silver truck parked in front
of the Aurora police station in the 300 block
of North River Street, prosecutors said. Ayanech
had stuffed a candy bar into the gas tank, and,
with Logan, was attempting to remove the truck's
spare tire when an officer approached, prosecutors
said.
"One problem: the women apparently didn't check
the license plate. The truck Ayanech and Logan
are charged with vandalizing was the personal
vehicle of an Aurora police officer -- not Ayanech's
husband.
"The truck sustained $569 damage, and both women
were charged with felony criminal damage to
property, prosecutors said."
Notice that no domestic violence-related
charges will be made. To write to the Sun-Times,
click
here.
I've discussed this double standard on numerous
occasions. For example, listen to the
His Side with Glenn Sacks radio commentary
Road Rage or Domestic Violence?
Michigan Rally for Equal Parents Week
Jim Semerad, Chairman of DADS
of Michigan PAC, Michigan's ACFC affiliate invites
all who can attend to a rally in Lansing, Michigan
this coming Wednesday, September 27, 2006 to
support Shared Parenting. Speakers include ACFC
President Stephen Baskerville and David L. Levy,
Esq., CEO of the Children's Rights Council.
To learn more, click
here.
Other groups participating include
Dads and Moms of Michigan, the Family Rights
Coalition, Fathers-4-Justice and the Children's
Rights Council.
|
|
Expose False Allegations with Technology
Don't let the anti-male bias in criminal
law victimize you. If you could be falsely
accused by an angry woman, be prepared!
Use technology to expose the real aggressor.
DontMakeHerMad.com
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New Jersey Divorce and Family Law
New Jersey family law attorney David
Perry Davis, Esq. can help you through
your divorce. In Pasqua v. Council
(2006) Davis successfully challenged
New Jersey's unconstitutional practice
of failing to appoint attorneys for
indigent child support obligors at enforcement
hearings where they face incarceration.
As a result of this suit, trial courts
must apply the same standard used when
a defendant requests a public defender
in a criminal matter.
www.dpdlaw.com
|
|
Glenn and Dr. Richard Warshak Appear on
the CBS Early Show
I and Parental Alienation Syndrome expert Dr. Richard
Warshak appeared on the CBS Early Show last week.
Warshak was one of the main figures in PBS's recent
documentary
Kids & Divorce: For Better or Worse. The three-part
series discussed shared parenting, PAS and how to prevent
divorce.
The first part of the series, called
Making Divorce Easier On Kids, featured a divorced
couple who practice shared parenting. I thought it was
good, but I thought they made the shared parenting arrangement
seem like more hassle than it really is. The couple
also had the kids switching households several times
during the week, which I don't generally endorse. I
was on briefly, explaining:
"[In divorce often] fathers are pushed to the margins
of their children's lives. You need shared parenting
in order to protect that relationship with your children."
Pitted against my view was Elizabeth Marquardt, author
of
Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce.
Her segment went as follows:
"But those differing views create more havoc for kids
in a divorce. Elizabeth Marquardt's new study with nearly
a thousand adult children of divorce looks at the long
term effects of split families.
"'It's the child of divorce who spends the rest of their
childhood traveling between two often increasingly different
worlds, trying alone to make sense of their parent's
very different values, and beliefs, and ways of living,'
Marquardt says.
"Children who travel back and forth frequently face
considerable stress."
A couple points:
I fully acknowledge that shared parenting can be
stressful for kids. Marquardt is 100% correct that what's
best for kids is to avoid the divorce to begin with.
However, once the family is broken we need to control
the damage--most importantly, to protect the relationship
between the children and the two people they love most
in the world. Shared parenting is the way to accomplish
that. Also, as I've said many times, shared parenting
does not have to mean 50-50--it has to mean that each
parent's relationship with his or her children is protected.
Each parent must have the right to 50% physical time
to protect that relationship if they think it's necessary.
Also, the way the show was done seems to imply that
Marquardt's research shows that shared parenting is
a bad thing. This is not true. Marquardt is a child
of divorce whose research for Between Two Worlds
shows that divorce is bad for children, not shared
parenting.
Between Two Worlds is convincing and powerful.
Marquardt is an intelligent lady, and she's certainly
entitled to her opinion that shared parenting is a bad
idea, but it's not based on her research for Between
Two Worlds or any other that I'm aware of. I'm not
accusing Marquardt or CBS of misleading anybody--sometimes
these things happen during the cutting and editing done
when cobbling a piece together.
There is considerable research that shows that shared
parenting is the best arrangement for kids of divorce.
In my co-authored column
HB 5267 Will Help Michigan's Children of Divorce
(Lansing State Journal, 5/28/06) I wrote:
"[Michigan] NOW claims that HB 5267 'places the interests
of parents over the child's interests.' Yet when researchers
have examined children of divorce, and studied and queried
adult children of divorce, they've found that most prefer
joint custody and shared parenting.
"For example, a study by psychologist Joan Kelly,
published in the Family and Conciliation Courts Review,
found that children of divorce 'express higher levels
of satisfaction with joint physical custody than with
sole custody arrangements,' and cite the 'benefit of
remaining close to both parents' as an important factor.
"When Arizona State University psychology professor
William Fabricius conducted a study of college students
who had experienced their parents' divorces while they
were children, he found that over two-thirds believed
that 'living equal amounts of time with each parent
is the best arrangement for children.' His findings
were published in Family Relations in 2003."
One of the twin boys in the shared parenting arrangement
CBS profiled said it best. They were talking about how
sometimes they lose stuff in the back and forth between
homes, and one of them said:
"I'd rather lose things than not see my parents."
Exactly.
The CBS Early Show Part III thought
that the section on Parental Alienation Syndrome which
Warshak appeared in--How
Divorce Wars Take A Toll On Kids--was stronger than
the section I appeared in, though unfortunately Warshak
got little air time.
The segment featured a divorced couple in which the
mother waged a long, vicious alienation campaign against
the father. Eventually the court recognized what was
happening and acted appropriately by transferring custody
to the father and putting the alienating mother on supervised
visitation. From this point the mother can regain parenting
time with her children by learning to behave herself
and put her daughter before her terminal vindictiveness.
The star of the segment was Michelle, an adult child
of divorce who as a child was alienated from her father
by her mother. She said:
"I couldn't love my mom and my dad at the same time.
I felt bad...It shocked me how quickly and dramatically
I changed my opinion of him. I would have nothing to
do with him...He hadn't done anything to hurt me. And
so, when I was asked for details [why she was so angry],
I didn't have them...I still, to this day, have to live
with the mean things I said to him. The letters that
I wrote to him. There are things I did purposely to
hurt him."
To commend CBS for the
shared parenting and PAS segments, write to them
here. Make sure to select "The Early Show"
as the recipient.
ACFC's Family Law Conference
The
American Coalition for Fathers & Children's recent
National Family Law Reform Conference was well attended,
well organized and full of fighting spirit. Speakers
included: Longtime conservative leader Phyllis Schlafly;
Dr. Warren Farrell, a former leader of NOW whose ideas
helped shape our movement; Michael McManus, the founder
of Marriage Savers; Constitutional Law Scholar Herb
Titus; Child Protective Services critic David Wagner,
Esq.; Judith Brumbaugh, Founder and President of Americans
For Divorce Reform; Stephen Baskerville, president of
the American Coalition for Fathers and Children; David
Levy, Esq., Executive Director of the Children's Rights
Council; Comedian Carl LaBove; ACFC leaders David A.
Roberts and Mike McCormick; family law attorney Jeffrey
Leving, Esq.; child support expert R. Mark Rogers; and
myself.
Some of the panel discussions included: "Moving Society
Toward Shared Parenting" with David Levy, Ned Holstein,
Gordon Finley, Mike McCormick and myself; "Divorce Reform
Initiatives" with Michael McManus, Judy Brumbaugh, John
Crouch and Stephen Baskerville; "VAWA and DV Issues
in Shared Parenting" with David Heleniak, Edward Bartlett,
Stephen Baskerville and myself; "Moving Legislation
& Electoral Processes" with Jim Semerad, Jeffrey Leving,
Jim Hays, Tim Fittro and Mike McCormick; "Child Support
Reform" with Jim Semerad, R. Mark Rogers and myself;
"Parental Rights" with David Wagener, Herb Titus, Stanley
Charles Thorne and Stephen Baskerville; and "Communicating
with the Media" with Stephen Walker, John Maguire, Mike
McCormick and myself.
The ACFC filmed the entire conference and will be
releasing these and more details about the conference
later. Below are a few quick observations, not in any
particular order:
Criticism of Judges
There was a lot of judge bashing at the conference,
and while judges do deserve substantial criticism, I
think it was overdone.
It is certainly true that some judges abuse their
power, and are biased against fathers. However, there's
a lot more to it than a simplistic "judges are bad."
Between the divorce revolution, feminism and that small
minority of men who really do abuse their wives, family
law judges are put in a very tough position. Every day
judges hear cases where women are making terrible accusations
against men, and while these often are false or exaggerated,
judges can rarely be sure. A judge has to figure out
the truth--a very difficult task, particularly given
how overcrowded the court calendars are. When confronted
with a crying, allegedly victimized woman, it's not
surprising that judges tend to "err on the side of caution."
Many men have been victimized by this, and they quite
understandably put much of the blame on the judges.
I think it's more complicated than that.
Also, a significant portion of the cause of divorce
and post-divorce acrimony are angry, unpredictable,
vindictive women who think their man is a hero one week
and the devil the next. Our society is quite competent
at holding men accountable for their misdeeds, usually
with good reason. However, nobody in this society has
yet stepped forward who has the will and the moral authority
to tell these women that they can't always have what
they want, and to hold them accountable for the damage
caused by their behavior. Sometimes people criticize
"activist judges" because it's a lot more politically
correct than holding women accountable.
Some believe that judges act as they do because seek
to protect their positions. There's some truth to this,
but often being a family law judge is like being a cop
in South Central LA--if you actually want that job,
you can usually have it. Many judges dread being transferred
to family court. In some jurisdictions they're rotated
through quickly, for the same reasons that tours of
duty in Vietnam were only one year--it's such an unpopular
assignment that service time is kept short to keep the
peace.
(This is another problem for fathers--it often takes
a while for a father to make it clear that the accusations
are false or that the mother is alienating the children
from him. The new judge comes in, knows nothing of the
case, sees a case file as high as the ceiling and a
crying woman, and the father is screwed).
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Help for California Divorced Dads
The Divorced Fathers Network helps dads
in Los Angeles, the Bay Area and Santa
Cruz. Local chapters sponsor free weekly
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The Secrets of Happily Married Men
How can a man achieve a long and happy
marriage? If you've been checking out
advice columns or seeing a therapist,
you may have been looking in the wrong
place. Despite all the advances in brain
technology, and all of that we have
learned about developmental psychology--men
and women are given the same advice
about solving problems. But when we
ask men what works for them, we hear
a different story.
www.SecretsofMarriedMen.com
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No Fault DivorceMany of the speakers directed
their ire at no fault divorce, which helped usher in
the divorce revolution. I have mixed emotions about
no fault. On one hand, speakers like Phyllis Schlafly,
Judy Brumbaugh and others are correct that no fault
divorce has really become "unilateral divorce"--when
women want out, they can get out whenever they want
and take a father's children and much of his financial
assets with them. ACFC President Stephen Baskerville
is correct when he says this has led to innocent fathers
being stripped of their children. Their only sin was
failing at the often dicey task of keeping their wives
happy.
It is perfectly true that modifying no fault would
help protect fathers' rights to their children, and
would reduce the divorce rate. A couple speakers suggested
a modified no fault, where couples without children
could divorce without fault but parents who have children
could contest their divorces. This idea has merit.
On the other hand, the fault system had problems,
too. When a couple wanted a divorce, they often had
to lie to the court in order to get it, with the man
usually falling on his sword and confessing a mythical
affair or other wrongdoing. One of the reasons stated
by attorneys and judges for instituting no fault is
that they felt that the degree of lying required for
a divorce was turning judicial proceedings into kangaroo
courts. I don't believe, as was often stated at the
conference, that lawyers supported no fault simply to
increase divorces and put money in their pocketbooks.
Also, in a fault-based situation a clever physically
and/or emotionally abusive spouse could keep the other
spouse bottled up in the marriage indefinitely, or negotiate
unfair settlements.
I believe a presumption of shared parenting is a
better idea than no fault, for a variety of reasons
which I've stated on numerous occasions. But opponents
of no fault are certainly correct on the big picture--what's
best for our kids is if many of these divorces never
happened to begin with.
Diversity
One thing which disappointed me about the conference
was the lack of black, Latino and female attendees.
As I've pointed out on many occasions, black and Latino
fathers often bear the brunt of the abuses of the current
system. Also, whereas most whites are still in denial
about the disastrous effects of fatherlessness, most
blacks hold no such illusions. And while most victims
of the family court system are male, there are a significant
minority of noncustodial mothers who have been outmaneuvered,
and who hold many of the same grievances as divorced
dads do.
Phyllis Schlafly
Phyllis Schlafly gave an excellent speech--she is
talented, witty and convincing. I don't agree with her
on everything. She led the successful fight against
the Equal Rights Amendment but I think the ERA was a
good thing. She believes the feminists have done absolutely
nothing of any virtue in 40 years, and I think they
did a lot of good things, mostly before 1980. She added
a chapter on parental rights to her recent book Judicial
Supremacists, and is a valuable ally for our movement.
Mike McManus Comes Alive
One of the speakers at the conference was Michael
McManus, the founder of Marriage Savers. His group works
with troubled couples, and his program is said to have
helped save 100,000 marriages over the past couple decades.
I moderated a panel before Michael spoke, and as I noticed
him in the audience he looked like a tired older gentleman.
He came up to speak and I thought somebody needed to
get him some caffeine, fast. But as soon as he began
speaking about saving marriages his eyes lit up and
he gave one of the most impassioned and impressive speeches
of the conference.
McManus didn't claim to be an expert on family law,
having spent many years dealing with preventing couples
from coming to family court to begin with. He did, however,
endorse shared parenting, and it's an endorsement with
a lot of credibility.
When I was sitting with him later I told him that
he was actually underselling himself--he hadn't saved
100,000 marriages but probably many more, since children
of divorce are themselves more likely to divorce. I
told him it reminded me of a quote from the Talmud--"he
who saves one life in time saves the world."
Carl LaBove
I had exchanged emails with comedian Carl LaBove
but never met him. LaBove contacted me last year before
going on the Howard Stern Show to discuss his
remarkable paternity fraud case. He had a girl with
his bi-polar ex-wife, who promptly drove him out of
the child's life. He later discovered that the girl
is not biologically his--she was fathered by the famous
late comedian Sam Kinison. LaBove has spent the last
16 years being hounded and hammered by Los Angeles Child
Support Enforcement, and is now taking his fight public.
Warren Farrell
Warren Farrell gave an excellent presentation on
the importance of preserving the relationship between
children and both parents after a divorce. He has a
new DVD on this out--I'll post more information about
the DVD soon.
The Future Leader of the Shared Parenting
Movement
At the conference I also stumbled upon an excellent
candidate for future leader of the shared parenting
movement--Stephen Baskerville's 13 year-old daughter.
After the conference Saturday evening she somehow browbeat
and manipulated two dozen yakking, scattered people
into getting organized and going out for Thai food.
At dinner she ate only half of her plate, then masterfully
conned her father into allowing her to order dessert,
explaining to her father that she didn't finish her
dinner because she was "full," but "desert doesn't fill
you up."
She's also has some interesting observations of people.
I tried to explain to her that her father is a greatly
admired individual, a hero to thousands. Her jaw dropped,
she gave me an amazed look, took a long look at Baskerville,
then slowly turned her head back to me, leaned forward,
and said:
"How is that possible? He's such a
nerd!"
Ron Grignol
It was nice seeing
Ron Grignol again--he ran for the
Virginia legislature last year on a shared parenting
platform. He put in a pretty good performance under
difficult circumstances, and some are urging him to
run again next year. I would certainly like to see it
happen. Ron made some rookie mistakes during his campaign,
and it was interesting listening to his stories and
seeing how much experience he'd gained in just one campaign.
Grignol was badly outspent by his opponent during the
campaign, and his struggle to collect the money needed
is another example of the weakness of our movement.
We should be running
Ron Grignols in every state.
The best part of spending time with Ron was seeing
his 10 year-old daughter, who has the biggest, happiest
smile you'll ever see.
Glenn Discusses AB 2051 on Generation Connexion
Glenn discussed domestic violence
and his column
Schwarzenegger Should Veto AB 2051 (Orange County
Register, 9/20/06) on Generation Connexion
on Wednesday, September 20 at 6 PM on the Spanish
language station KHPY AM 1670 in Riverside.
Glenn Discusses Default Paternity Judgments
on KSCO in
Monterey Bay,
California
Glenn discussed default paternity judgments and
the
Default Paternity Judgment Innocence Project on
AM 1080 KSCO in
Monterey,
California on
Friday, September 8.
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& Gaule can help.
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If you're a New Jersey father facing a divorce
or separation, the law firm of
Pitman, Pitman, Mindas, Grossman & Lee can
help.
PitmanLaw.com
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Did PBS Air Kids & Divorce Enough?
Some of you have written to me concerned
that Kids & Divorce: For Better or Worse is not
being aired enough. I appreciate your concerns, but
they don't seem warranted to me. Kids & Divorce
is airing in many major and middle markets (see the
list
here). Neither Breaking the Silence nor
this new film will be shown on all PBS stations, and
that's fine. For example, Breaking the Silence
didn't show at all in Los Angeles, but this new film
got a prime time slot here. Some of you have written
with outrage that it's playing in the middle of the
night in your area, forgetting that in most cases it's
also playing in a good time slot, and that PBS always
repeats their shows at odd hours.
Still, I encourage anyone who wants
to see the film in their market to call or write their
local PBS station to suggest this. In contacting PBS
I also urge you to not be adversarial--PBS did what
they were supposed to do, and should not be considered
our enemy.
Ned Holstein's View of Kids & Divorce
Ned Holstein of Fathers and Families,
one of our allies in the campaign, has also released
his analysis of the strengths and weaknesses of the
film. That analysis can be found
here. Holstein notes "I found this documentary to
be deeply sensitive to the plight of children, fastidiously
balanced, and most of all, safe. In fact, it is so safe
that it lacks a certain intellectual courage to dig
deeper."
My analysis of the film can be seen
here.
Best Wishes,
Glenn Sacks
GlennSacks.com
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