My new co-authored column, Choosing Foster Parents over Fathers (San Diego Union-Tribune, 7/11/07), discusses perhaps the worst verified child custody/family law injustice against a father and a daughter which I have ever seen--the outrageous Melinda Smith foster care case.

Choosing Foster Parents over Fathers
By Jeffery M. Leving and Glenn Sacks
San Diego Union-Tribune, 7/11/07

In the heartbreaking Melinda Smith case, a father and daughter were needlessly separated by the foster care system for over a decade. Last week, Los Angeles County settled a lawsuit over the case for an undisclosed sum. Yet a recent Urban Institute study found that the Smith case typifies the way the foster care system harms children by disregarding the loving bonds they share with their fathers.

Smith was born to an unwed couple in 1988. Her father, Thomas Marion Smith, a former Marine and a decorated Vietnam War veteran, saw Melinda often and paid child support. When the girl was four, her mother abruptly moved without leaving a forwarding address. Two years later, Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services found that Melinda's mother was abusing her. Though the social worker for the case noted in the file that Thomas was the father, he was never contacted, and his then 6-year-old daughter was placed in the foster care system.

Thomas--whose fitness as a father was never impugned nor legally questioned--continued to receive and pay his child support

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Former Seahawks defensive tackle Chad Eaton (pictured trying to make a tackle) was recently arrested for alleged domestic violence. I don't know what happened between him and his wife Tina, but there a few things which bear mention:

1) Last year Tina was arrested at their home after bloodying her husband's nose. She didn't bother denying it, instead telling police officers that she hit him because she thought he was cheating on her. "I attacked him because I think he's cheating" is a common element in domestic violence cases, and it's interesting the way some women feel entitled to attack or abuse men. The Scott Erickson case is another example.

The reverse, of course, would never and should never be tolerated. There are plenty of times when a male abuser has a fair reason to be angry with his wife or girlfriend, but that never justifies a man hitting a woman. Somehow we don't get it when the genders are reversed. And when this type of incident does happen, the press often reacts with "well, who could blame her?"

For example, one moronic piece released after Tina's arrest last year said, "Tina Eaton, who's had four kids by this specimen, deserves the Nobel Peace Prize for going this long without punching him in the face, which she inevitably did on Sunday."

2) The two are in the middle of divorce proceedings, and have four children. Women often use false charges of domestic violence as custody maneuvers in divorce--that may (or may not) be what's happening here. I'm particularly skeptical when a man is arrested for DV when there is a history of the spouse being violent towards him--abused men are often arrested for what is actually their wives' or girlfriends' violence.

3) When the news articles about the arrest describe the wife's violence last year, they are careful to make sure we know right from the beginning that Chad is substantially larger than Tina. Yet research shows that the relative size of the combatants is often a nonissue. Crime journalist Patricia Pearson, author of When She Was Bad: Violent Women & the Myth of Innocence, explains:

"The dynamic of domestic violence is not analogous to two differently weighted boxers in a ring. There are relational strategies and psychological issues at work in an intimate relationship that negate the fact of physical strength. At the heart of the matter lies human will. Which partner--by dint of temperament, personality, life history--has the will to harm the other?"

To read more and to discuss this issue on my blog, click here.

Background: In April, I called your attention to a new, damaging Parental Alienation bill in the California legislature. In my co-authored column AB 612 Will Make It Harder to Protect Children from Parental Alienation (Riverside Press-Enterprise, 4/2/07), I explained:

"A new bill authored by Assemblymember Ira Ruskin (D-Redwood City) will harm children of divorce by making it much harder for courts to protect children from alienation. Under AB 612, mental health professionals will be discouraged from issuing findings of Parental Alienation in child custody cases...

"When a parent's children are being alienated, he or she must wage an often long and expensive fight to get family courts to recognize the alienation and take decisive action. AB 612 would discourage independent mental health professionals from issuing findings of Parental Alienation in divorce/custody cases. It would also make it more difficult for target parents to get courts to order psychological evaluations as part of child custody investigations. Under AB 612, such evaluations will be allowed only under 'exceptional circumstances when there is strong evidence that a parent's current mental or psychological status might seriously impair his or her parenting ability.'

"This standard is unreasonably high, and will prevent many target parents from saving their relationships with their children. The legislature should be exhorting family courts to protect children from Parental Alienation, not putting up barriers to prevent them from doing so."

Policy Consultant Michael Robinson of the California Alliance for Families and Children helped lead successful opposition to AB 612 in Sacramento this month, and (mercifully) the bill has been defanged. Robinson worked with the Family Law Executive Committee of the California State Bar (Flexcom), the California Psychologists Association (CPA), the Association of Family Conciliation Courts (AFCC), the California Judges Association, and others. According to Robinson:

"The bill has been amended several times, sometimes positively, sometimes negatively. When the bill was originally introduced, the language said that 'Parental Alienation Syndrome,' 'Parental Alienation,' or 'Alienated Child' could not be used. We were successful in getting that language amended out in the 3/26/07 amendments.

"The bill took a really nasty turn in the 6/14/07 amendments. A private meeting was set up with Ruskin's Chief of Staff to provide him with information and details that they were not aware of. As a result, he took a major amendment--the 'good cause hearing' language has been struck out, which was the worst part of the bill from the last amendments.

"The only language left that we don't like is the term 'non-scientific labels' [a code word for Parental Alienation which opponents frequently employ--GS], but all of us agree that the bill is now acceptable and non-threatening. Ruskin is also willing to listen to further comments, and we may still be able to get 'non-scientific labels' struck.

"As the bill stands now, an expert can say 'a parent engaged in alienating tactics and behavior' or 'the children have been alienated from a parent due to inappropriate conduct/behavior by the other parent.' They just can't use the term 'Parental Alienation Syndrome' because it is not listed in the DSM.

"If Ruskin does not take the additional amendment and tweaks, Flexcom has already committed to introduce the amendments next year in an Omnibus committee bill to assure it gets amended exactly the way we want it. Flexcom's opposition statement in the analysis also recognized that this bill could have hurt us in move-away cases. That threat, and for the most part, all of the other problems, are now gone.

"As a side note, Karen Anderson of the California Protective Parents Association, the sponsor of the bill, has already started her push to get another author for next year to get back everything she lost in this bill, which was about 99%. So we will have to fight it again next year.

"Karen Anderson's personal case is very well known to most Sacramento family law specialists and practitioners. She lost custody because she made false allegations and engaged in alienation tactics and behavior. During the testimony, Anderson's group announced that they had started a study back in 2004 or 2005 about PAS, and are close to publishing a book on it. Of course we know how it will be written and what their spin will be.

"They also had one girl from Courageous Kids testify. Two of the kids from that group have had their cases very well vetted. In one, the Loeliger case that Glenn Sacks has written about, the mother was the abuser, which was verified by CPS investigations. In Karen Anderson's case, two mediators, one Ph.D., and a minor's counsel all came to the same conclusion--that Karen made relentless false allegations and was alienating the children."

To read the Senate floor analysis of the bill, click here-- all references to PAS and PA have been removed. The amended bill can be seen here.

Robinson is one of the most effective advocates in our movement, and I urge all to support him. To donate to the California Alliance for Families and Children, click here.

To learn more about the Loeliger case, click here. To learn more about Parental Alienation, click here.

As has often happened in California in recent years, the Family Law Section of the State Bar (Flexcom) came out in defense of noncustodial parents' rights, just as they did with AB 164 and with the events surrounding the LaMusga decision. I thank them for going to bat for us again.

To discuss this issue on my blog, click here.

Fathers & Families: Advocacy for the Child-Father Bond Fathers & Families is a non-profit organization advocating for the right of every child to have two parents. Called by some a "fathers' rights organization," Fathers & Families is made up of men and women who believe that fathers are an essential part of a child's life and that divorce or separation should not change this. www.FathersandFamilies.org    FALSELY ACCUSED IN TEXAS? Domestic Violence. Child Sexual Assault. Child Protective Services Defense. Contact the Law Office of Stuckle & Ferguson www.PaulStuckle.com / falseaccusations@stuckle-ferguson.com

Background: In my recent blog post If You See a Father Holding His Child's Hand, Call the Cops!, I called attention to the man-bashing Virginia Department of Health poster pictured above. I wrote:

"If dad goes for a walk with his daughter and holds her hand, apparently Virginia Department of Health officials wants you to pick up the phone and destroy his life by reporting him as a possible sexual abuser. I would've thought this article about this campaign was from The Onion or some satirical publication, but it's for real. The picture above of a man holding a child's hand--a touching little scene--is actually supposed to make us think he's sexually abusing the child. Unbelievable."

Rush Limbaugh saw my commentary on the issue and covered it on his nationally-syndicated broadcast--to read the transcript of his comments or to listen to the radio archive, click here. A Virginia newspaper recently covered the controversy--see Health department ad riles the right.

It would be hard to find anything more shocking and anti-male than the poster above, but one of the Virginia Department of Health's radio ads might do it. The ad features a woman who calls the sexual abuse hotline and explains her concern--"I work a few nights a week, and those nights my husband bathes Lucy and puts her to bed." No, I'm not joking--listen to the radio ad here.

A woman should call the authorities because (gasp) on the nights she works, her husband bathes their little daughter and puts her to bed! I guess by that standard, most of us dads should be turned in, including me. (As an aside, one wonders--someone has to give the little girl her bath and put her to bed, if mom isn't there, who is supposed to do it? Maybe mom is supposed to hire a female babysitter/guard to keep an eye on dad).

Another annoying aspect of the ad is the super "compassionate" female child sexual abuse helpline worker. When she gently, sympathetically says, "Let's talk about some possible next steps," what she really means is, "let me gently walk you through the process of destroying your husband's life."

The ad does have one truth in it--at one point the mother says, "I've known this man for 20 years, I feel horrible even thinking these things." You got that right, lady.

To discuss this issue on my blog, click here.

Country singer Mindy McCready was arrested this week and faces misdemeanor charges that she attacked her mother. To learn more, see Singer Mindy McCready Taken Into Custody (Associated Press, 7/26/07).

McCready is a long-running train wreck who has had many personal and criminal justice problems and issues, but I don't claim to know for sure that she is culpable here. Nevertheless, the case is exemplary of several points:

1) The case demonstrates the strong link between family violence and substance abuse. Similarly, recently U.K. singer/songwriter Amy Winehouse bragged, "I'll beat up Blake [her husband] when I'm drunk...If he says one thing I don't like then I'll chin him." Feminists often deny or seek to minimize this relationship because it contradicts their view that domestic violence is caused by patriarchy and men's sexist/patriarchal attitudes.

2) Once again, we see that family violence is not a gender-specific problem--research clearly shows that women are at least as likely to commit family violence as men are.

3) It's not relevant, but I can't help mentioning that McCready's manbashing #1 hit "Guys Do It All the Time" is rather hostile to men. In the video for the song--click here--she dons boxing gloves and throws punches as she sings:

"Got in this morning at 4 a.m.
You're as mad as you can be
Well I was drinking and talking and you know how that goes
Time just slipped away from me
By the time I knew what time it was
It was too late to call home
Stop carrying on acting like a child
I wasn't doing anything wrong

"Guys do it all the time
And you expect us to understand
When the shoe's on the other foot
You know that's when it hits the fan
Get over it, honey, life's a two way street
Or you won't be a man of mine
Sure I had some beers with the girls last night
Guys do it all the time"

"You look like you just took a long look in the mirror
Tell me baby if things don't look a whole lot clearer"

The song was written by Bobby Whiteside and Kim Tribble, and was the leading track on her album "Ten Thousand Angels," which sold over 2 million copies.

To discuss this issue on my blog, click here.

[Note: If you or someone you love is being abused, the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women provides crisis intervention and support services to victims of domestic violence and their families.]

One of the highlights of Boys and the Boy Crisis, the recent Third National Men's Equality Congress, was a talk by conference organizer Tom Golden, LCSW, about boys' physiology. Golden explained in medical terms why boys are surging with the need to be physical, run, jump, etc., around between ages 4 to 6--just at the time we strap them in to their chairs for long periods of time in school.

I'm sure that, like me, many of you have lived through this with your sons. The cartoon above pretty much illustrates the situation perfectly--with the "solution" being Ritalin, of course.

To discuss this issue on my blog, click here.

Online Dating Rights Online Dating Rights opposes the new federal International Marriage Broker Regulation Act, which requires Americans who seek to meet foreigners via the internet to have a criminal background check and an intrusive report about intimate details of one's life BEFORE any communication--the first time in US history that such checks have been required. www.onlinedatingrights.com SAMSONLAW--Divorce Lawyers for Michigan Men & Fathers If you're a Michigan man faced with divorce, you need SAMSONLAW on your side--SAMSONLAW defends men. Smart Advocacy Means Stopping Oppression Now. INeedSamson.com

On August 11th 2007, Rob Mackenzie (pictured with his daughter) and Robert Pedersen will start their 600+ mile bicycle trek from the Lansing Capitol to Washington, D.C. This will be an intense multi-day bike trek through numerous states ending in Washington, D.C. where they will be greeted by people attending the national rally in Washington, D.C. on August the 18th. To learn more about the trip and rally, click here.

Last year Mackenzie made this trip, protesting because he lives in the same town as his daughter but is allowed little time with her. To learn more about Mackenzie and his protest, see below.

Dad says he's biking to Washington for equal custody rights
Daily Telegram
6/15/06

Robb MacKenzie is a corrections officer in Michigan's Upper Peninsula. He is also the non-custodial father of a 12-year-old daughter, a situation he says has cost him money and valuable time with his daughter.

MacKenzie is riding his bicycle from Lansing to Washington, D.C., in support of a measure in the Michigan Legislature that would automatically designate joint custody in divorce, separation and non-marital cases unless specific factors dictate otherwise. He plans on being in Washington by June 22, after taking part in rallies this weekend in Pittsburgh and in Columbus, Ohio.

'I'm trying to make people aware of how unfair it is for non-custodial parents,' MacKenzie said during a stop in Adrian on Wednesday. 'We had joint custody until we went to court and that's when the money started. My lawyer told me to not even bother going back to court.'

State Rep. Leslie Mortimer, R-Horton, is sponsoring House Bill 5267, which says, 'The court shall order joint custody unless, by clear and convincing evidence that a parent is unfit, unwilling, or unable to care for the child.' The measure was sent to the committee on Family and Children Services in October...

"I live in the same town as my daughter and I can only see her at specific times,' McKenzie said. 'She and her friends knew the route I was taking through Lansing and they waved and rang bells of support for me. I almost cried."

To discuss this issue on my blog, click here.

New Study Shows Ritalin Stunts Kids' Growth According to the Washington Post, 10% percent of 10-year-old American boys are on Ritalin or similar drugs. From my experience as a teacher I can tell you that there are some kids for whom the drugs are useful--I've seen it firsthand. On the other hand, for most boys it is useless and counterproductive. The problem is not our boys--the problem is that our schools refuse to adapt and accommodate boys' educational needs and learning styles. In my co-authored column Resolving the Boy Crisis in Schools (Chicago Sun-Times, 5/7/06), I explained: "Many healthy, energetic, intelligent boys are branded as behavior problems as soon as they begin school, and are punished and put on Ritalin or other drugs so they will sit still. Little thought is given to two obvious questions: how could a six or seven year-old be 'bad'? And how could so many boys need drugs to function in school? Because schools and classrooms do not fit their educational needs, many boys disengage from school long before they ever reach the prep school level. "Many modern educational practices are counterproductive for boys. Success in school is tightly correlated with the ability to sit still, be quiet and complete paperwork and assignments which are sometimes of questionable value. A 'get tough' mentality--under which teachers give excessive homework lest they appear uncommitted or weak--has become a substitute for educators actually having a sound reason for assigning all the work they assign." To learn more, click here. We now have one more reason to take action on the boy crisis in education--a major new study shows that kids who take Ritalin for three years are on average shorter and lighter than kids who don't. Study: Ritalin Stunts Growth Research Shows That After 3 Years On ADHD Medication, Kids Are Shorter And Lighter Than Peers By Daniel DeNoon CBS News, July 20, 2007 (WebMD) After three years on the ADHD drug Ritalin, kids are about an inch shorter and 4.4 pounds lighter than their peers, a major U.S. study shows. The symptoms of childhood ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) usually get dramatically better soon after kids start taking stimulant drugs. But this benefit may come with a cost, says James Swanson, Ph.D., director of the Child Development Center at the University of California, Irvine. "Yes, there is a growth-suppression effect with stimulant ADHD medications," Swanson tells WebMD. "It is going to occur at the age of treatment, and over three years it will accumulate." Whether these kids eventually grow to normal size remains a question. Kids entered the study in 1999 at ages 7 to 9. The current report is a snapshot taken three years later. The 10-year results -- when the kids are at their adult height -- won't be in for two more years. "The big question now is whether there is any effect on these kids' ultimate height," Swanson says. "We don't know if by the time they are 18 they will regain the height." The finding appears to end decades of debate over whether stimulant medications affect children's growth. Less than 10 years ago, a National Institutes of Health panel concluded that the drugs carried no long-term growth risk. That opinion was so widely accepted that the study authors -- who include most of the leading ADHD researchers in the U.S. -- did not warn parents that the study medication might carry this risk. At the time, researchers thought that any short-term stunting of growth would be made up by a hypothesized "growth spurt" that would occur with continued treatment. But Swanson and colleagues saw no evidence of such a growth spurt. To read more and to discuss this issue on my blog, click here. The Business of Love 50% of 1st marriages fail, the rate of marriage has declined 48% in 40 years, single households now outnumber married households...if there ever was a time for a radical, new approach to marriage, it's NOW. The Business of Love, by Dr. John Curtis, an organizational development consultant and former marriage counselor, is the first book to show how to take the same "best practices" that build successful businesses and apply them to an intimate relationship. Learn more at www.TheBusinessofLove.org. Experience the Book that Dares to Scream the Inner Thoughts of Men Author Tom Ellis unleashes his savage wit on women's studies, gender norming, implants, affirmative action, rape hysteria, pornography, women's spirituality, homophobia, and bad dates. Intended for male readers, women also find it shockingly insightful. Contains adult situations and language. The Rantings of a Single Male: Losing Patience with Feminism, Political Correctness... and Basically Everything by Thomas Ellis -- $11.95 + shipping from Amazon via direct purchase--click here. UK Alimony Outrage Reversed Background: In my blog post She Squanders Her Divorce Settlement, so He Has to Pay Her Again--30 Years Later! I wrote: "Get this: Dennis North gets married and has three kids. His wife cheats on him and they get divorced. Dennis buys her a house and investments as part of the divorce settlement, and raises the three kids himself. Later, he pays her more money, even though she refuses to work. She squanders the money he gave her, and now, 30 years later, guess what? He has to pay her all over again because she's 'fallen on hard times.' Nice." Fortunately this ridiculous, punitive, anti-male court ruling has been reversed by a UK appeals court. Unfortunately, I don't see any mention of the wife having to reimburse him for the legal fees he absorbed from her attempt to soak him with this alimony suit. In fact, the court has reversed the 202,000 GBP award but still says they may award the woman something. The reporter got one thing right when he called the ruling a "rare court victory for a husband." One question--when a woman and a man clash in family court, is the man almost always in the wrong? Either he is, or the family courts are biased against men. If it were any other kind of suit, the bias would be clear and acknowledged. For example, if a judge always ruled in favor of plaintiffs in product liability lawsuits against businesses, the bias would be recognized. If a labor arbitrator always ruled in favor of the bosses against the unions, the bias would be recognized. Nobody would shrug and say "the rulings are OK because one side (the businesses, or the unions, or whoever) is almost always wrong." One more thing about this case--this woman abandoned her family and the man raised the three kids himself. Yet now she goes after him for even more money--30 years later--without any mention of child support or consideration for the expenses he incurred raising the kids after she took off. The article is below--thanks to Malcolm James for sending it to me. Court rules ex-wife's 200,000 GBP 'second bite at cherry' is unfair By Frances Gibb, Legal Editor The Times (U.K.), 7/26/07 A multimillionaire succeeded yesterday in stopping the woman whom he divorced nearly 30 years ago from claiming a slice of his fortune after she fell on hard times. Dennis North, 70, a retired builder from near Sheffield, had appealed against the decision made by a family judge last year to award 202,000 GBP from his retirement fund to his ex-wife, Jean North, whom he divorced in 1978. Mrs North, 64, had left him and their three children for another man and the couple had divorced with a financial settlement that gave Mrs North a "reasonable" lifestyle. But after her finances took a turn for the worse she returned to court to seek a further award from her former husband in what Mr North called "a second bite of the cherry". Mr North, whose fortune is estimated at between 5 million and 11 million GBP, argued that it was "simply unjust" that he should have to make another payment so long after the original settlement, particularly because his former wife's financial state was a result of her own lifestyle choices. In a rare court victory for a husband, the Court of Appeal agreed with Mr North, ruling that the second award was "fundamentally flawed". To read more and to discuss this issue on my blog, click here. Dr. Warren Farrell's Shared Parenting Evidence Kit--What You Need to Win Shared Physical Custody Dr. Warren Farrell, a top expert on children of divorce now offers a complete evidence kit to help you win shared custody.  The DVDs, audio CD and electronic files summarize the best scientific research available collected over decades.  Scientific research has proven that children do far better with near equal time with both parents with minimal conditions.  This video set was developed to educate parents, judges, lawyers, psychologists and other divorce professionals. Most judges are doing exactly what is worst for children with sole-custody.  Submitted as evidence this will maximize your chances. Divorce Reform groups call(508) 381-1450 to use as fundraiser. www.BestInterestofChildren.org Help for Los Angeles/Ventura County Dads Certified Family Law Specialist Peter M. Walzer was one of the key figures in our successful legislative struggle to preserve the LaMusga move-away decision. As Chair of the State Bar of California Family Law Section Executive Committee, Walzer lobbied the state legislature to improve California laws on child support and child custody. He's an American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers Fellow who has authored numerous articles on custody issues, business valuation in marital dissolutions and spousal and child support.  www.California-Divorce.com Help for Michigan Dads Michigan family law attorney Mindy L. Hitchcock has experience fighting for noncustodial parents against Michigan's abusive FOC. Her holistic approach to divorce gets results for her clients while avoiding the scorched earth approach to law that leaves families emotionally and financially devastated. Lady4Justice.com

"The only lady in my life is my daughter, and she takes all my time, and that's all I need right now -- making up for lost time...We're just having fun together and hanging out"--Larry Birkhead, speaking of his 11-month-old daughter Dannielynn.

I've previously discussed the Larry Birkhead vs. Anna Nicole Smith/Howard K. Stern/Anna's mother/many others custody battle--to learn more, see my co-authored column Anna Nicole dispute shows system's flaws (Chicago Sun-Times and others, 3/10/07) or click here. The Birkhead case was an excellent example of the way mothers and their allies are able to prevent fathers from having access to their babies and playing a role in their lives. Were this not a high-profile case, Birkhead may well have ended up like the legions of fathers in my email In Box--allowed no role in the lives of the children who love them and need them.

According to this recent ET blurb, Birkhead is enjoying his life with his little girl:

Can you believe that baby DANNIELYNN is almost one year old already? Now, LARRY BIRKHEAD gives ET the latest update as we reveal exclusive photos of father and daughter!

"Every day she does something new, and now she's sharing her bottle with me," Larry tells our own MARK STEINES. "So if I say, 'Give daddy a drink,' she'll toss it over her shoulder. It's cool being a dad."

The former boyfriend of the late ANNA NICOLE and the father of her baby came out to the big Hollywood premiere of 'The Bourne Ultimatum' Wednesday night with his nephew, and said that the requirements of being a new dad are almost the same as being a super spy.

"If Matt Damon drops out of the next movie, maybe I'll be available," he jokes. "I've been punched and kicked and slapped by my daughter, so I'm in defense mode. She's using me as a teething ring."

But there was one hitch on the way to the red carpet: "She actually spit up on my jacket I was going to wear, so I had to take it off and do a quick change."

Dannielynn is going to have her first birthday in September, and Larry says he's weighing his options for the special day.

"I'm thinking big," he says. "Her mom called her princess, so [I'm thinking of doing] something kind of Disney princess, or Hello Kitty -- something real cool, so she can look back on it and say, 'What a cool party.'"

As for any ladies in his life, Larry says there's only one girl for him right now.

"The only lady in my life is my daughter, and she takes all my time, and that's all I need right now -- making up for lost time," he says. "We're just having fun together and hanging out."

I can certainly relate to that--my daughter is the number 1 lady in my life, and she knows it. I was her primary caregiver during her first three years, and it was absolutely the best time of my life, bar none. I wish more men had the opportunity to be home with their infant children. I'm not sure how long Dannielynn will be the "only" lady in Birkhead's life, but I'm glad he's enjoying things.

To discuss this issue on my blog, click here.

Ruben Alequin Sr. and Jessica Dones had two children together. Recently Dones allowed their eight year-old daughter to walk with her 15-year-old cousin to get Chinese food after midnight. The little girl was struck by a drunk driver and killed. Now the father is trying to get custody of their seven year-old boy, citing safety concerns and questioning Dones' judgment.

I have mixed emotions about the case. I have a nine year-old daughter who has a 14 year-old female cousin. I think the mother's conduct is outrageous--there's no way in hell I'd allow my girl to walk to a store or restaurant after midnight with her cousin, and I find it hard to believe that the girl's father would have allowed it. Maybe it's a father-daughter thing, I don't know. My wife occasionally enjoys mocking me for being overprotective of my daughter, and I'm guilty as charged. The fact that the mother defends her decision by saying "she wanted to go" makes me even more suspicious--an eight-year-old doesn't make that call, the parent does.

On the other hand, things always sound less innocent and more egregious after a tragedy has occurred. It's not really fair to expect Dones to know that a drunk driver would come and kill her daughter.

According to one press report, "Dones says Alequin hasn't been a part of his children's lives for years, has barely visited them and is behind on child support. She said she has full custody of Ruben Jr., contradicting Alequin's claim that they have joint custody."  Let's break this down:

"Dones says Alequin hasn't been a part of his children's lives for years"

There are three possibilities here (or combinations of the three):

1) Alequin has voluntarily removed himself from his children's lives

2) Dones is lying, and he is a part of their lives

3) Dones has prevented him from being a part of his children's lives.

If case 1 is true, I think it's hard to argue that Alequin should get custody, despite the mother's irresponsible behavior. If it's case 2 or case 3, I think Alequin has a good argument for custody.

Also, the father lives in Pennsylvania and the mother lives in New Jersey--I wonder who moved? If the father moved away, I think that reflects poorly on him. If it was the mother who moved away, she shouldn't be complaining if his visits were infrequent.

"Alequin is behind on child support"

If this is true, this could be a legitimate strike against Alequin, but given the myriad problems with the child support system and custody, there are many legitimate reasons why he could be behind.

My judgment? I think the court needs to investigate what is happening in Dones' home and the truth of the relationship (or lack thereof) between Alequin and his surviving son, and a transfer of custody may well be appropriate.

[Late note: Reporter Michaelangelo Conte saw my blog post and sent me his new article which says that the New Jersey Division of Youth and Family Services is now investigating. The article is DYFS to probe family (Jersey Journal, 7/27/07). I'll be interested to see what they find--I think it could go either way.]

Dad criticizes mom, seeks custody of son
By Michaelangelo Conte
Jersey Journal, 7/25/07

Angelica Alequin's father has filed a motion to get custody of his son, saying the death of his daughter has shown him his son should be in a different environment.

"I'm here because I'm afraid my son isn't safe," said Ruben Alequin Sr. yesterday in the Hudson County Administration Building. Alequin Sr. had just filed papers to ask for custody of his son, Ruben Jr., who currently lives with his mother, Jessica Dones.

Dones and Alequin are the parents of Angelica Alequin, who was killed by an alleged drunken driver early Saturday.

Alequin argued that Angelica should not have been out after midnight and supervised only by a 15-year-girl the night she died. The father, who has lived in Pennsylvania for several years, said: "If this happened (in Pennsylvania), they would have taken her kids away."

To read more and to discuss this issue on my blog, click here.

Apparently $31,000 a month in child support--that's $31,000 a month tax free--is insufficient for Hollywood agent Adam Venit's ex-wife Jami. It reminds me of the title of an old Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers song--"Too Much Ain't Enough." Venit is probably also paying spousal support.

I can't imagine that there's much you can't have or buy with $31,000 after-tax dollars a month, but apparently the ex claims that her kids have found some, and are unhappy. They found some completely unprompted by anyone else who lives with them and might have an interest in that money, of course.

Child Support 90210: In Beverly Hills, the joy of raising two 14-year-old twins isn't priceless. It's more like $370,000 a year
July 16, 2007
By FilmStew Staff

Based on the fact that Endeavor Talent Agency partner Adam Venit pulls in over $4 million in annual salary, a California court today denied his request to reduce his monthly child support payments to ex-wife Jami from $26,971 to $12,000 per month. In fact, Judge Marjorie Steinberg turned around and upped the stipend to $31,603.

But it isn't this dollar amount, or the hefty attorney fees Venit was ordered to cough up, that merit attention in this case. Rather, what's most striking about the 45-page judgment document is how it occasionally highlights the very peculiar pressures of growing up in 90210, as seen through the eyes of 14-year-old twins Michael and Sarah, and their remarried mom.

'Even with the increase in child support since the November 8, 2002 order, there remained a huge disparity between the lifestyle the children had with their mother and the one they had with their father,' an earlier deposition revealed (Jami's current husband, Patrick Patterson, works for the Los Angeles Fire Department). 'According to Jami, the children commented on the disparity. Michael, one of the twins, stated the mother only drives an Escalade while their father drives a Rolls Royce. Michael also stated that Adam's backyard is as big as a football field.'

'Michael explained that it is so much bigger than Jami's backyard [at the former couple's 5,500 square foot home in Encino, which she was awarded in the 1999 divorce]. Sarah wanted her soccer friends to go to her father's [11,000 square foot] home to see how "cool" it was. Both twins stated that they wanted gates around Jami's property because they live in a gated community with their father. They said they would feel much safer with a gate.'

'The twins each have private bedrooms with their own bathrooms at their father's home,' it is further explained (Venit's new household also now includes a daughter belonging to current wife Trina and two new children, for a total of five when everyone is staying at the 'Big House'). 'The twins made comments about the disparity in the two homes to their mother.'

The court decreed that where one party has an income capable of providing a lifestyle much in excess of the other parent (Jami), the children are entitled to life at a level closer to the "more opulent lifestyle," even if that level of support may as "a practical matter produce a benefit for the (other) custodial parent."' All in all, today's decision would seem to take Jami from 'Boo Hoo!' to 'Woo Hoo!'

To read more and to discuss this issue on my blog, click here.