Shared Parenting Update Plus
New Column, Appearances

March 14, 2006

York Chapter of the National Organization for Women, are fighting this bill. These special interests have successfully blocked shared parenting efforts in New York for over 25 years.

To learn more about the bill, click here.

To support the bill, click here.

A Message from FaFNY About the Shared Parenting Bill

Debbie Fellows is one of the principal activists in the Coalition of Fathers and Families New York, the New York affiliate of the American Coalition for Fathers & Children. Debbie, a former NOW activist, wrote the letter below to pass on to my readers:

"For years we have been fighting an unfair war. Some battles won, most are lost. A330 is a battle but not the war.

"This past week we launched, with support from people like Glenn Sacks, the campaign in support of the bill. The Assembly has received over 2,000 letters in the last week in support of shared parenting. Their response to us shows that they have been listening.

"On March 28 the Children and Families Committee will put  A330 up for a vote. The Coalition of Fathers and Families of New York has been at the capitol in Albany daily, working in support of the shared parenting bill.  In the last year we have been on several television shows and radio broadcasts, and have appeared in newspapers many times.

"On Sunday we were on the radio and were beat against the wall on this subject. The Legal Project and the Women's Bar Association of New York came on after us and just tore shared parenting apart. Their misstatements included: '70% of all men win custody in contested divorces'; 'shared parenting is not in the best interest of the child'; 'children suffer being shifted between homes'; 'what about domestic violence?'; and '97% of custody is giving to the mothers on consent of the fathers in stipulated agreements.'

"Regarding the stipulated agreements, someone called in and stated that the fathers' stipulations to give up custody parallel the 'consent' Sophie gave in the movie, Sophie's Choice. Good analogy.

"Our opposition knows this bill is coming up for a vote and they're ready. We have been trying to get shared parenting passed for many years. At this point we certainly aren't going to get everything we want. We have to work within the realm of the possible, and this bill is a start. After this bill becomes law we'll work on improving it, and we'll work on other areas as well."

Again, to support the bill, click here.

Glenn Appears on the Dennis Prager Show--Audio Available

I discussed my co-authored column The Rise in 'Gray Divorce': It's Always Hubby's Fault (Houston Chronicle, 2/18/06) on the Dennis Prager Show on the Salem Radio Network on March 8.  The 45 minute audio (without commercials) is available by clicking here.  We discussed many of the issues which serve to drive husbands and wives apart.

Glenn Appears on ABC's World News Tonight

I discussed the new "Roe v. Wade for Men" lawsuit and the issue of choice for men on ABC's World News Tonight on March 9. I appeared right after Kim Gandy, president of the National Organization for Women who, needless to say, is pro-choice--but only for women...

Glenn Appears on the Mike Gallagher Show

I discussed the new "Roe v. Wade for Men" lawsuit and the issue of choice for men on the Mike Gallagher Show on March 9. I like Mike and have appeared on his show before but I still expected him to rake me over the coals over this issue. Instead I was pleasantly surprised to find that he was quite supportive--I guess we're making progress.

My View of Choice for Men

I outlined my views on the issue of choice for men in several of my newspapers columns, including in my column 30 Years After Roe v. Wade, How About Choice for Men? (Mail & Guardian, 1/27/03). I do believe, however, that this is a complex and multifaceted issue, and I think there are reasonable arguments to be made on all sides, including from feminist opponents on the left and pro-life opponents on the right.

Abused Man's Daughter Speaks Out

Some of you may recall my co-authored column California Domestic Violence Lawsuit Will Help Secure Services for All Abuse Victims (Los Angeles Daily Journal, San Francisco Daily Journal, 12/28/05), which discussed a new lawsuit filed in order to begin to bring equity to California's domestic violence establishment. I co-authored it with Marc Angelucci, the attorney who filed the suit. The column begins:

"At the age of 11, Maegan Woods tried to stop a domestic dispute between her parents. She soon found herself staring down the barrel of her father's shotgun. She watched helplessly as the trigger was pulled. She is only alive today because the gun didn't fire--the safety was on.

"Maegan was abused and witnessed domestic violence in her home for most of her childhood. By age seven there had been knife attacks, punches, kicks, and more. It was hard to leave--the abuser was the one who earned the money, and the victim was unable to work because of a disability. On numerous occasions they looked for help to escape the abuse but were refused. Why?

"Because in Maegan's family, the abused spouse was her father, and the battering and child abuse were perpetrated by her mother."

Maegan Black has written a powerful letter in which she describes her childhood growing up in a house where her mother frequently abused her father, and how nobody would help her because of the "woman good/man bad" mentality that surrounds the domestic violence issue. Maegan writes:

"As a child I grew up watching my mother commit multiple acts of violence against my dad. The earliest incident I remember occurred when I was four, and my mother continued to be violent up until April of 2003.

"No one would help. Teachers, parents of friends, anyone I tried to talk to about what was going on at home basically told me I didn't understand, and that my mother couldn't possibly be the violent party. The few times the police came to our home, they would always be ready to arrest my father, sometimes getting so far as to put the handcuffs on him, and it was up to me to scream as loud as possible that it was my mommy and not my daddy so they wouldn't take him away and leave me with her.

"Sometimes when my mom would attack, Pops would try to defend himself, just to get her off him, stop hitting him, whatever. Every time he defended himself, whether he left bruises or not, Mom would go get a restraining order. She didn't have to show bruises or prove she was in danger or anything, just saying she was 'afraid' was enough.

"I grew up in this sort of environment and I learned the only way to survive was to watch every argument they had and be ready to interject myself as a distraction if I could before violence happened. I grew up paranoid and feeling like the safety in my house was something only I was responsible for. If Mom became violent, it meant I FAILED. That feeling would hit me like a bucket of cold water, but there wouldn't be any time for feeling sorry for myself. My next task was to try to break it up, screaming, threatening, pleading, whatever. I had to make sure no details escaped me because if the cops got called they'd just believe my mom without question, and it was MY job to make sure the truth at least got heard.

"Somehow, probably through the grace of God, I came out of my childhood relatively normal. I learned to deal with my family's weird problems and history by trying to understand it the best I could. I became something of an armchair psychologist, really. Today I have a functional and friendly relationship with both of my parents. After 2003 my mother voluntarily got help for her abusive ways and has become a totally different person. I can say honestly that I like her, and it is possible that somewhere deep down that I love her.

"About a year and a half ago my father and I were introduced to Marc Angelucci, a leader of the Los Angeles chapter of the National Coalition of Free Men, and he asked us if we would be interested in trying to change the sort of treatment and attention male victims of domestic violence receive. He talked to us about the California Battered Women Protection Act of 1994, which codified in Health &
Safety Codes Section 124250 that defined domestic violence as something only experienced by women. This particular code created funding for domestic violence shelters and services. Because the law defines only women as victims of domestic violence, there is NO MONEY for male victims of domestic violence. The children of couples where the woman is the aggressor and the man is the victim are left with NOTHING. No help, no voice, no place to turn, and if their father does somehow manage to get out, they'll more likely than not live with their abusive mother.

"Lovely system, really. When Marc explained all this me I wanted to cry. Groups which shout at the top of their lungs that they're helping women and children escape from violent and possibly life-threatening situations had shut the door on my family. They had made sure that my father could never get help, endangering me in the process, all in the name of gender politics and someone's personal agenda.

"Pops and I agreed to help Marc try to change this law. We're now currently suing the State in Black v. California to try to get that law changed. We just want the to be gender neutral, so men are helped and women are helped. End of subject. My interest is for kids growing up now in situations similar to what mine was to be helped and have their families helped the way I wasn't and my family wasn't."

Fathers' Rights Activists Doth Protest Too Much

According to the article Divorced father told to earn more (Daily Telegraph, 3/7/06):

"A doctor who quit his high-paying job for a quieter life after his marriage ended has been ordered to continue paying a high level of child support because he has the 'potential' to earn more money.

"The divorced 48-year-old GP, who cannot be identified, was earning around $320,000 a year at his 24-hour surgery before he and his wife split.

"The stress of the relationship ending caused him to seek a sea change, quitting his role at the surgery and taking up a part-time position at a family medical centre, being paid around $40,000 a year.

"But a Child Support Agency case officer ruled the doctor's drop in income
was due to a 'lifestyle choice' and ordered him to maintain yearly payments
of $18,700, including the bulk of a $4,000 sum for private school tuition.

"After a Family Court judge agreed with the assessment, the doctor appealed
to the court's full bench.

"However, in a written judgment, the court has found the GP should pay child
support based on an average earning capacity of around $80,000--twice the
amount he now earns at his smaller surgery.

"The doctor and his therapist wife separated in 2000 and have two children
aged 12 and nine.

"Two months after the couple's separation, the doctor quit his job, citing
stress from the break-up.

"He later joined a small, family medical centre that bulk-billed patients.

"'The father asserted that he was earning about $40,000 per annum whilst the
mother contended that he had a capacity to earn about $300,000 per annum,'
the judgment said.

"'The father acknowledged that he had earned a very significant sum as a
general practitioner but ... had joined a family medical centre and did not
wish to return to the busier practice at the 24-hour medical centre.'

"Judge James Barry found the doctor had adopted a different lifestyle by
choice and could be earning double the amount he was currently paid.

"'No one is expecting [him] to earn a taxable income of $250,000 to $300,000
a year as he did at the time prior to the separation,' Judge Barry said.

"'However, it is not unrealistic to expect a general practitioner with 20
years' experience ... to earn an income of $80,000 a year.'

"In evidence to the court, the doctor conceded he could earn more than
$42,000 a year if he worked full time."

An Australian fathers' activist who I respect wrote that this case illustrates "the second class citizen status of separated fathers" and that divorced dads "no longer have the discretion, that other citizens do, to chose to change their lifestyle and employment."

In this case, I beg to differ. A few comments:

1) Courts frequently impute unrealistic income to fathers, which pushes them to work two jobs or fall hopelessly behind on child support. I've discussed this issue on His Side with Glenn Sacks and also in several columns, including in my co-authored column Have Anti-Father Family Court Policies Led to a Men's Marriage Strike? (Philadelphia Inquirer, 7/5/02).

2)  Were the imputed income to be in the $300,000 range, as his apparently selfish and greedy ex-wife demands, it would be terribly unfair, because it would necessitate him working substantial overtime, as he was doing before.

3) Imputed income does have its appropriate uses, and I believe this Australian case is one of them. I don't think it's unrealistic to expect this doctor to work full-time, and apparently a full-time professional in his position can earn at least $80,000. (Whether the Australian child support guidelines themselves are unfair is a separate question).

4) How many times have I heard men legitimately complain that their exes stopped working as soon as they got their windfall divorce settlement? Or that their highly educated ex-wives started working part-time, leaving the divorced dad to work harder to pick up the slack? It seems to me that this case is essentially the same thing.

5) Fathers' activist Dave Friedman was in the audience on the Phil Donohue Show a few years ago, and explained to Donohue that his ex-wife, an attorney capable of earning a high income, had quit working, leaving the full responsibility of supporting the kids on him. I don't see how the Australian case is too much different than that.

Some Reflections on Kirby Puckett

Tom Sylvester is an affiliate scholar at the Institute for American Values, and he and I have clashed several occasions, including on His Side with Glenn Sacks. Sylvester and the IAV do good work on the importance of marriage and fathers, and they're correct up to a point that male irresponsibility has helped create fatherlessness. However, they err in blaming men and fathers almost exclusively for divorce and fatherlessness. They also err in refusing to acknowledge that millions of children are fatherless today because their mothers and the family law system have driven their loving fathers out of their children's lives.

Hall of Fame baseball player Kirby Puckett--one of the most popular baseball players of all time--died last week, resulting in numerous adulatory articles and commentaries. I was uncomfortable with the reaction to Puckett's death from the beginning. Sylvester, who grew up in Minnesota and idolized Puckett as a child, summed up some of my ambivalent feelings in a blog entry on the IAV's Family Scholars blog. Sylvester wrote:

"The revelations of infidelity, domestic violence, and sexual assault forever changed my view of him. [Yes, he was acquitted, but I've talked to both his lawyer and members of the prosecution team, and he probably did it]. It many ways, the Sports Illustrated cover story wiped away the last vestiges of my childhood innocence. It is tragic when anyone dies so young. Yet as much as I hate to say it, the Kirby Puckett I thought I knew was already dead, if he ever existed. Too often we heap praise upon athletes, or look the other way when they do wrong, because we want to love them. We want to have heroes. Kirby Puckett was a great baseball player. But Kirby was no hero. Too bad the media doesn't seem to care."

I don't know that I agree with Sylvester's views about Puckett's guilt, and revelations of infidelity about young baseball players certainly aren't going to shock me. Wives and ex-wives often make false domestic violence charges against men. Mistresses, strangers and hangers-on often try to set athletes up for assault or sexual assault charges as a way of extorting large sums of money from them. But everybody can't always be lying, and there are enough accusations against Puckett to make a reasonable person assume that there's something to them.

(Pointing out that women sometimes use false charges of domestic violence, that sometimes men, not women are the victims of domestic violence, and that  accusations of rape are sometimes false is not the same as dismissing the importance of these acts of violence when they really do occur. My feminist critics, of course, don't agree).

I was a big baseball fan as a kid, and I idolized players like Davey Lopes, Don Sutton, Steve Garvey and Joe Ferguson (remember him?). The "Puckett Question" is "how should an adult view his childhood idols who turned out to be significantly less than ideal?"

For me, that question was answered many years ago by former Yankee star pitcher Jim Bouton. In 1969 Bouton wrote the controversial baseball diary Ball Four, the first book to tear away the idealized picture given of athletes and reveal them to be what most of us are--decent but flawed human beings. Bouton was vilified for telling these truths, and subsequently thought about the "Puckett Question" in detail. This is in part because one of his childhood idols was later his pitching coach, with whom he had an antagonistic relationship. In turning the issue over in his head Bouton later wrote:

"There's a song written by David Frishberg [called] 'Van Lingle Mungo.' The words are, basically, just the names of ballplayers out of Frishberg's childhood in the 30s and 40s, and they're sung one after the other in a kind of lilting refrain: Whitey Kurowski, Johnny Sain, Eddie Joost, Johnny Pesky, Ferris Fain, Van Lingle Mungo. It's a very pleasant song, sad and haunting. Here is a man reliving his childhood through the names of old baseball players, men he admired and respected, maybe loved.

"For the first time, listening to that song, I had some twinges of regret about Ball Four. I felt that perhaps a kid reading it would be so turned off to baseball heroes that he would never want to write songs about them when he grew up, that he would never feel nostalgic about them. I wondered if I had really smashed heroes, whether I had ruined the game for the kids and ruined it for baseball fans.

"Well, I thought about it, and then I thought about it some more. And I decided, no, that's not the way things work. I went through the same stage when I was a kid. I loved the Giants. I loved Alvin Dark and Dusty Rhodes and Sal Maglie. Even now, thinking back, I can remember exactly how I felt about these men. There is still that same rush of good feeling when I think about them and what they meant to me. Sal Maglie, the Barber, the old heavy-bearded master who used to go in and brush back the Dodgers with the curveball, the clever old competitor, the tough old guy who really put it to them. And Alvin 'Blackie' Dark. I wonder how many people remember he was called Blackie; the clutch hitter with the black bat who worked those great double plays with Eddie Stanky. They're still the old Giants to me and my memories of them are still so happy that if I could write songs I'd write one about them.

"But I think there are two Sal Maglies, two Alvin Darks, and two Dusty Rhodes...I could write a song about one of them--the one from my childhood. But I'm writing no songs about Sal Maglie, the pitching coach, my pitching coach, who did me more harm than good.

"So I think it's possible that you can view people as heroes and at the same time understand that they are people, too, imperfect, narrow sometimes, even not very good at what they do. I didn't smash any heroes or ruin the game for anybody. You want heroes, you can have them. Heroes exist only in the mind anyway."

Anti-Father Author Called on Distortion

Some of you may recall my comments here about the Newsweek article on the boy crisis in education and anti-father author Peggy Drexler. Objecting to the Newsweek article, Drexler wrote:

"I wonder what mothers like Lance Armstrong's make of such statements as 'An adolescent boy without a father figure is like an explorer without a map.' The assumption that 'masculine' qualities can be imparted only by men undermines the success of millions of mothers who are fully capable of raising thriving, emotionally healthy, masculine sons without a man around. Linda Armstrong raised Lance on her own and did quite well..."

I noted that "of course there are many single and lesbian mothers who can and do effectively raise boys, just as there are many 'traditional' couples who can't. But children raised by a mother and a father fare much better, on average, than children raised by single mothers."

But apparently Drexler didn't even get it right in Armstrong's case. Paul Coughlin, author of No More Christian Nice Guy: When Being Nice--Instead of Good--Hurts Men, Women, and Children, is an avid bicyclist, and as a result has followed Lance Armstrong's career closely. In one of his recent enewsletters he wrote:

"I keep an eye on Lance and I'm amazed by his abilities, especially his cadence and lightness on the pedals as he flies up mountains. I'm also familiar with his background, apparently more so than Drexler. Young Lance Armstrong was not 'emotionally healthy.' He was, by his own admission, a lost and angry young jerk. Two trainers, Chris Charmichael and Johann Bruyneel, took him under their paternal wing and coaxed stellar talent out of his troubled body and soul. Eddy Merckx, perhaps the greatest cyclist ever, was also a huge influence in Lance's life. When others abandoned him professionally, his agent Ken Stapleton stayed by his side.

"And it was another racer who, seeing young, brash, angry Lance in a field sprint with him near the finish line, who taught Lance a lesson in humility that he never forgot. The well-respected racer hit his brakes because he did not want to appear on the same podium as troubled Armstrong. This man gave up money and fame to distance himself from a young racer whose emotional immaturity and reckless disregard earned him a growing list of detractors who rightly complained that Armstrong did not know how to win well or live well.

"He was not always the good ambassador of one of the world's most incredible sports that he is today. It took the intervention of some big souls to make that happen."

In other words, Armstrong's childhood was not the "fatherless but happy" experience that Drexler pretends it was. I'm sure his mother did her best but it wasn't until there was intervention by some male father figures that Armstrong changed from a antagonistic young man into the man he is today.

Nobel Prize Winner Credits Her Father

Coughlin also gives us a great quote from Toni Morrison, the Nobel-prize winning novelist:

"I am a great writer because when I was a little girl and walked into a room where my father was sitting, his eyes would light up. That is why I am a great writer. That is why. There isn't any other reason."

Putting Parents Over a Barrel

Is anybody familiar with this problem? I took my kids to the dentist the other day and they each needed a filling. The silver fillings are now considered a hazard because they contain Mercury, whereas the newer white fillings aren't. Naturally I asked for the white fillings and guess what? Our health insurance only covers the silver ones--the white ones are deemed "cosmetic" and I have to pay four times as much.

So naturally I'm over a barrel and opted to fork out the extra money for the safer white ones. It was particularly silly with my daughter, since the filling was just for a baby tooth. But I had a vision of her swallowing the  baby tooth with the silver filling with Mercury in it so I forked over the extra money for both of them. What a shakedown.

One small consolation. After seeing that needle and getting a shot in his mouth, my son has stopped griping at me at night when I roust him from bed and tell him to brush his teeth before he goes to sleep. It'll probably last another week, if that.

Divorce Attorneys, Feminists Push Virtual Visitation as a Substitute for Dad's Parenting Time

The new Associated Press article 'Virtual' visits pushed in several states (USA Today, 2/28/06) extols the virtues of virtual visitation:

"Divorce put David List and his 2-year-old daughter on opposite sides of the Atlantic Ocean, and he worried that she would soon forget him.

"She hasn't, though. List's divorce agreement guaranteed him 'virtual visitation'-- the chance to talk with his daughter through an Internet video connection -- and he and Ruby Rose, now 5, usually connect at least twice a week. The chats sustain them in between their in-person visits, which come only a few times a year.

"'When she gets off the plane, I know what she had for dinner last night,' said List, 49, of Santa Cruz, Calif. 'She'll run right up to me and jump in my arms because I know exactly what she's all about.'

"Advocates of virtual visitation want states to spell out in their laws that judges can make it part of a divorce agreement.

"The benefits go beyond helping parents and children stay close, supporters argue. They say non-custodial parents are more likely to pay child support regularly if they can stay in touch, and electronic visits can help keep children from getting caught up in fights when bickering exes meet in person.

"Utah made virtual visitation an official option in 2004, and similar legislation awaits the governor's signature in Wisconsin. Illinois, Missouri and Virginia lawmakers have introduced proposals, too."

I frankly find all of this happy talk about virtual visitation appalling. I have no problem with virtual visitation in and of itself--what I oppose is the way it is commonly used to facilitate damaging post-divorce move-aways. In my co-authored column No Virtue in Virtual Visitation (Boston Globe, 7/12/02) we wrote:

"This week's 'virtual visitation' ruling by a Massachusetts court points to a new and dangerous trend in family law--judges permitting mothers to move their children hundreds or thousands of miles away from their fathers, and justifying the separation by ordering Internet video conferencing as a purported substitute for a father's time with his children.

"In her ruling, Judge E. Chouteau Merrill awarded a Boston-area woman sole custody of her three small children, and gave her permission to move the children 225 miles away. Merrill granted two weekend visits a month to Paul, the ex-husband and father of the couple's five year-old son and twin two year-old daughters. The children will be moved to Long Island, New York.

"Paul's standard weekday visitation was replaced by 'virtual visits' on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 6 to 7 p.m. Merrill explained that the computer conferences are relatively cheap and will allow Paul to read to his children and help them with their homework...

"Hundreds of thousands of divorced dads like Paul are victims of 'Move Away Moms' who either do not value their children's relationships with their fathers, place their own needs above those of their children, or use geography as a method of driving fathers out of their children's lives. The misplaced use of virtual visitation as a rationalization for the troubled consciences of both move away moms and family court judges will exacerbate the problem."

Virtual visitation is supported by numerous anti-father feminists. For example, when I appeared on Univision's Aqui y Ahora last year to discuss post-divorce move-aways, Olga Vives, Action Vice President of the National Organization for Women, cited virtual visitation as an acceptable substitute for a noncustodial father's time with his children. To watch the show, click here.

When I appeared on PBS in Los Angeles discussing the same issue, feminist law professor Carol Bruch, who authored the mother's brief in the LaMusga move-away case, made a similar argument. To watch, click here.

(Aqui y Ahora featured the story of Jose Ceballos, one of my readers whose little son was moved 1,500 miles away against his will. Ceballos had the best line of the show. He said that as a father he has less rights than his family dog does because--"the dog can see my son whenever he wants--I can only see my son when I'm allowed to." I don't have the time to translate it, but for those of you who speak Spanish, check out the opening interview with a would-be move-away mom, and the trivial, lame reasons she has for wanting to move her kids 1,000 miles away from their father. She even offered the dad $50,000 cash if he allows her to move his children out of his life and the mean SOB told her he didn't want her money, he wanted his kids).

In the column we also noted that "virtual visitation opens up endless opportunities for interference by custodial parents," and since then I've heard from many noncustodial parents who tell me they've experienced the problems we discussed in the column.

My position on virtual visitation has often been misunderstood and misrepresented. For example, when I was interviewed for the article "Divorced parents visit their kids over the Internet" (Oakland Tribune & others , 5/3/04), I emphasized to the reporter that I was not opposed to virtual visitation but only to the way it is used as a tool to facilitate move-aways. My quote in the article? "'I'm opposed to virtual visitation,' said Glenn Sacks..."

New Rap Song Discusses How Young Unwed Fathers Struggle to Be Part of Their Children's Lives

Young African-American fathers are routinely stereotyped as irresponsible cads who have abandoned their offspring. While it is certainly true that there are some men who do not come through for their children or who have behaved irresponsibly, it is also true that many unwed fathers fight a long, hard struggle to remain a part of their children's lives. The struggle can be particularly difficult for young African-American fathers.

A new rap song, "Baby Mama Drama" by J-Shin, powerfully captures these young men's problems. It discusses many of the challenges facing these men--false accusations of DV made out of spite, legal bills, siccing the child support enforcement agency on the father over money mom knows dad has already paid, and others. Some of the lyrics are:

"Let me tell you 'bout my life/it's baby mama drama/all we do is fight/believe me when I tell you she ain't right/every night I'm on the phone/would you leave me alone?/My baby's cryin', my baby's is sick, she's croakin'/I jump in my car and I race to the house--she's jokin'/Girl why can't you just let it go?"

and also

"I got some papers in the mail just the other day/It was in reference to a court case I had back in May/when I tell you what it is you won't believe/My Baby Mama once again been deceivin'/She lied, talkin' about I put my hands on her/plus I'm months behind on my child support/ I see my baby plus I give her money every week/so tell me why you treat me like a deadbeat?"

To listen to the song, click here.

I discussed some of these issues in my co-authored column National Fatherhood Initiative's Ad Campaign Insults African-American Fathers (Pasadena Star-News & Affiliated Papers, 6/14/04) and also on His Side with Glenn Sacks at  National Fatherhood Initiative Attacks Black Fathers (4/25/04).

Unfortunately the music video for "Baby Mama Drama" is very disappointing. I had hoped that perhaps it would be a dramatization of a father's love for his child. Or (heaven forbid) of the way mothers push fathers out of their children's lives. Instead it was the usual rap video full of scantily-clad women with no visible connection to the song's powerful lyrics. I'd like to think that J-Shin wrote the song sincerely and the record company forced that ridiculous video on him.

Swimsuit Issue Sparks Domestic Violence

When women are violent, there's always an excuse for it and it's never a big deal. In the article Swimsuit Issue Sparks Domestic Violence (Wheeling News Register, 3/4/06), Katie Wilson wrote:

"As the saying goes, there's nothing like the fury of a woman, especially when she's enraged over the latest copy of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition.

"A city couple was arrested on misdemeanor domestic battery charges last week. Jeremy A. Robinson, 31, 116 Tomlinson Ave., and his girlfriend, Nicky N. Graham, 21, of the same address, were arraigned by Magistrate Mark Kerwood on Feb. 15. They were released on $1,500 bond each that day.

"The fight reportedly began when Robinson received the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition in the mail.

"According to the criminal complaint filed by city police Patrolman Keith McCallen, a fight was reported in the 100 block of Tomlinson Avenue just before 6 p.m. Feb. 15. On arrival, McCallen spoke with Robinson, who stated Graham had attacked him because he got the magazine in the mail.

"Graham was found upstairs in the residence, and said they originally began arguing because Robinson would not get a job.

"McCallen's report states Robinson's shirt was torn and there were scratch marks on his chest. Graham reportedly stated she did tear his shirt because his hands were around her neck. Graham also alleged Robinson pushed her against a wall.

"McCallen's report states when he asked Graham who the aggressor was, she reportedly said both of them were."

Wilson can be reached at kwilson@news-register.net.

Progress on the Male Birth Control Pill

I know as much about biology as I do about ballet but apparently there's been more progress towards a male birth control pill. The article Slowing Sperm Down: Two studies shed light on the movement of sperm cells and how to stop them in their tracks discusses some of the newest findings and progress.

Women have long complained--with good cause--that they have had to shoulder an unequal burden in the area of contraception. In my column Do Women Really Want a Male Birth Control Pill? (Newsday, 4/11/05) I made the point that this burden also gives women control over one of the most important parts of any human being's life--reproduction. I explained that this is a control which some women will not be happy about losing.

I also noted that the pill will greatly increase men's autonomy and control over their own lives. I wrote:

"While most women are responsible and want to have children with a willing, committed partner, studies show that lack of reproductive control can be a major problem for men today. For example, the National Scruples and Lies Survey 2004 polled 5,000 women in the United Kingdom for That's Life! magazine. According to that survey, 42% of women claim they would lie about contraception in order to get pregnant, regardless of the wishes of their partners.

"Jo Checkley, the editor of That's Life!, is correct when she says 'to deliberately get pregnant when your partner doesn't want a baby is playing Russian roulette with other people's lives.'

"According to research conducted by Joyce Abma of the National Center for Health Statistics and Linda Piccinino of Cornell University, over a million American births each year result from pregnancies which men did not intend...

"...most men realize that it's difficult to remain a part of their children's lives once the relationship with the children's mother has broken down, particularly if the children were born outside of marriage. The pill will help ensure that men only have children in the context that's best for men--a stable marriage."

Who's Paying for Your Next Date?

Rachel Kramer Bussel has some interesting (and objectionable) ruminations on the all-important question of who should pay for dates in her column Who's Paying for Your Next Date? Deciphering the tricky triangle of cash, sex, and romance (Village Voice, 2/24/06). Bussel writes:

"Most women claim the guy should pay, regardless of who asked whom out or who makes more money. Like it or not, the tradition's a stubborn holdover from past eras when women couldn't afford to go halfsies. Lauren Henderson, author of Jane Austen's Guide to Dating, believes paying is a sign of respect. 'Symbols are important, and a man who can't buy a woman dinner on their first date is a man who will be emotionally deficient at making a woman feel cared about'...

"Nearly every dating or etiquette guide weighs in on the topic, and almost all stick to the same story. Shelly Branch and Sue Callaway, authors of What Would Jackie Do?, advise that the former first lady would never pick up a tab until she'd established her date as a serious prospect, as she did with JFK. As unequal as this system seems, it makes sense; it's almost impossible to gauge a guy's personality within the span of one date. This simple test weeds out the cheapskates...

"Where does sex come into play? Guys: If you're looking to get laid, getting the check is the bare minimum. This doesn't guarantee your way into her bed, certainly--girls don't want to feel like you're buying their affection."

"It's crass to have to think about money when you're trying to connect with the potential love of your life, and there's potential for miscommunication and mistrust. I wish this topic were less volatile and divisive. But until I win the lottery or meet my soul mate, it's going to be a factor."

As I've noted before in print and on the radio, I don't agree with the above views. In my column Should Men Still be Expected to Pay for Dates? (St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 2/14/02) I identified (and debunked) six principal justifications for expecting men to pay. These are:

"Women have to spend more on clothes, shoes, perfume, etc., so it's only fair that men pay"; "Men make more money than women do for the same job"; "I'm old-fashioned. I expect the man to pay because it's chivalrous"; "Whoever asks for the date should pay"; "If men expect to get something, they should expect to pay for it"; and "It's just easier this way."

I concluded:

"The obligation of a man to pay can wound a budding relationship by placing money and one-sided expectations where love and honesty should be. In addition, its innate unfairness hinders the uneasy rapprochement men and women are currently negotiating after three decades of gender conflict. In the long run, abolishing this outmoded social convention will benefit both men and women. And what's fair is fair."

Not everyone agrees, of course. I was once discussing this issue with nationally syndicated radio host George Noory at a broadcast by remote from a mall. A group of women came by and when they heard me pontificating on why men shouldn't have to pay for dates, several of them raised their hands high and gave me the thumbs down sign...

We had a debate on this topic on His Side with Glenn Sacks around Valentine's Day last year--to listen, see Female Dating Expert: 'I've Never Paid for a Date and I Never Will' (2/13/05). The debate between relationship expert Athena Navarro, the LA Love Coach, and Marc Rudov, author of The Man's No-Nonsense Guide to Women, became heated. Witness this exchange:

Athena Navarro: "[women] would consider [Rudov] a feminine wimp and would be disgusted by the idea of being on date with him."

Marc Rudov: "any man who goes out with a woman who says 'I've never paid for a date and I never will'--that's a wimp."

Athena Navarro: "Well, I only date smart, successful, handsome men...."

Kids Manipulating Their Parents

One of my daughter's favorite shows is Little House on the Prairie--I have the DVDs and she and I often watch it together. The other night they had an episode which dealt with a Typhus plague. When a man's little boy died the father couldn't accept it and took the boy out into a field and leaned up against a tree with his boy in his arms, pretending the boy was just asleep. When Charles Ingalls (Michael Landon) came to check up on them, the father told Charles that it was wrong for a child to be locked up in school on such a beautiful day and asked him to tell the schoolteacher that his boy wasn't coming to school that day.

I actually remembered that scene from watching the show as a child 30 years ago. At the time I thought the father's actions were inexplicable. Now I understand completely and, in all honesty, I would probably snap the same way were I ever in that situation.

My wife and I were so disturbed by it that we started getting very worried about our son, who was at a  boy scout meeting. When he got dropped off we both rushed to hug him and wouldn't let him go. He thought we were both nuts but after we explained he understood. Then he said "since you're so glad to see me, could you make an exception and let me play with my PlayStation tonight?"

He had lost his PlayStation privileges over a bad grade but immediately saw opportunity when it knocked. Clever boy. It didn't work, though--as part of my role as the ever vigilant person put on earth for the sole purpose of making sure that my son never has any fun, I told him he couldn't.

Officials Say Woman Made Up Gang Rape Story, Gets Slap on the Wrist

According to the Florida TV report Officials: Woman's Gang Rape Story Is Bogus:

"The Orange County Sheriff's Office just announced that it has arrested the woman who claimed she was raped by several men who work at Walt Disney World. They say the woman made up the story, and that the sex was consensual....

"On Feb. 26, police responded to a report of an alleged sexual battery involving multiple suspects...Orange County Sex Crimes Investigator Detective Phillip Graves has determined that Sunde's account of the incident was not factual and that the sexual encounters were, in fact, consensual. The suspects in the alleged attacks were cooperative with the investigation from its onset to the point of providing a video tape of the incident, which helped corroborate their account of the incident."

Now the woman who tried to put these men in prison for years if not decades is facing a charge of.......making a false police report.  What a joke. I prefer the ancient Chinese method of dealing with false claims--if you made a false claim against someone, the law gives you the penalty that they would have received had they been found guilty.

As I've mentioned before, false rape accusations are a big problem. I discussed the issue at length in my co-authored column Research Shows False Accusations of Rape Common (Los Angeles Daily Journal, San Francisco Daily Journal, 9/15/04, World Net Daily, 9/18/04) and in my E-Newsletter (click here and here). We've also covered it on His Side with Glenn Sacks--see Criminalizing 'Reckless Sex'--Safeguard for Women or  New Way to Herd Men Into Jail? (3/6/05) and Kobe Bryant, Rape Shield Laws, and the False Accusations Problem (3/21/04).

Incidentally, my column on false rape accusations has become a favorite for Sacks bashers on several feminist websites. It's quite a phenomenon--sometimes there are 50 or 100 comments criticizing my column without anyone actually stopping to read the column they're criticizing.

Glenn Receives 'Order of Merit' from Dads/Moms of Michigan

Dads of Michigan and Moms of Michigan have awarded me the "Order of Merit" for 2005 for "reflecting the time-tested principles and ideals committed to ensuring preservation of family values and that both parents are involved in their children's lives." The groups are the Michigan affiliates of the American Coalition for Fathers and Children and they both do good work and fight the good fight.

Best Wishes,
Glenn Sacks
GlennSacks.com
HisSide.com

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