I've debunked the 'lazy husband' myth numerous times--to read one example, see my co-authored column Are American Husbands Slackers? (Tallahassee Democrat, 3/22/06). This week Dr. Phil will air "The Dr. Phil House: Man Camp." The description reads:

"Meet three women ready to divorce their controlling and chauvinistic husbands. In a last-ditch effort to save their marriages -- and their sanity -- Tara, Amanda and Cheri turn their husbands in to Dr. Phil's Man Camp, an intensive week-long stay in The Dr. Phil House designed to give them an attitude adjustment and a new appreciation for their wives.

"Scott has anger issues, Nic had an emotional affair, and John thinks he's superior to all women. Because the wives are also guilty of everything from name-calling to cheating, Dr. Phil brings them to Los Angeles too, unbeknownst to their husbands. All the women say they are tired of being treated like maids, so while the husbands are away, the wives mess up The Dr. Phil House -- in spectacular fashion!

"Years of pent-up frustration leave the house in a colossal disarray. When the men see the destruction and learn it is their time to clean, tempers flare. One husband refuses to participate and demands an explanation. After a heated discussion, he hangs up on Dr. Phil and storms out, leaving his heart-broken wife behind. Can she convince her husband to return with a participative spirit, or is this the end of their stay ... and their relationship?"

A few comments:

1) Perhaps Dr. Phil really was able to find a few piggish, chauvinistic husbands, but as a general rule I'm skeptical. I'd like to know what the comparative contributions of each spouse in market labor is, too. If the men are working as much overall (meaning both on their jobs and at home), the women have little to complain about.

2) Men do not and should not be expected to care as much about how neat the house is as women are. Women care how neatly the towels are folded or if there's clutter or if, God forbid, the nice white linoleum floor mom wanted is now dirty. Men think there are more enjoyable or important things in life to worry about. There is a line, of course, where the house is too messy and women are correct. But it's fair for men to disagree with women as to where that line is without being called chauvinists, or women claiming that they're "like maids."

RipOffReport.com was bombarded with emails after my entry in the E-newsletter last week about their new "deadbeat" parent-bashing advertisement. To see the ad and learn more, click here.

Now Ed Magedson, the founder of RipOffReport.com, has responded--apparently sympathetically. Magedson writes:

"That ad is for TV stations. We are doing something that will be the exact opposite to that - - you don't have to tell me how unfair the system is! We are looking for others to tell the other side! We know all too well how unfair the system is, how wives lie and CPS bias works almost always side with the woman....and most of the Judges have their head up their butt!!"

We'll see what happens. Magedson can be reached at EDitor@RipoffReport.com.

To discuss this issue on my blog, click here.

The other night at the end of my eight year-old daughter's dance lesson she spent a few minutes with a group of her little friends. After we got in the car and began driving home she asked "Daddy, why are so many of my friends losing their dads?" I said "Ugh--you mean there's more of them since last time?"

She then began reading off the sad list--Daniela, Justine, etc., etc. One of her best friend's parents got divorced a few months ago and the mother took the daughter and moved back to Mexico. The parents of the little girl we had over for a play date on Saturday are getting divorced. A bunch of her other friends' parents have broken up, and it makes my daughter very nervous. She said "I'm not ever going to lose you, am I daddy?"

I reached back and held her hand and said, "No." She said, "You'll never get divorced?" I said, "No." She said, "You promise?" I said, "Yes." She seemed somewhat relieved, and said, "That's good. My friends start out with two parents until they get divorced and then they sometimes only have one." Ouch.

To discuss this issue on my blog, click here.

"Why do you observe the splinter in your brother's eye and never notice the great log in your own?" (Luke 6:41) 

Via Elizabeth Marquardt and the Family Scholars blog I recently came across blogger Mrs. H, who writes the blog A Stepmom's Say. Mrs. H. believes that her husband's ex-wife tries to drive a wedge between her children and their stepmom. Mrs. H. recently wrote:

"I don't like my husband's ex. She is unwell and consequently, a bad mother. But the reality is, there are worse mothers. My stepsons are healthy and as well adjusted as can be expected given the circumstances. That being said, I don't run her down to the kids--in fact, I would rather not talk about her at all...She doesn't like me either, but she has not demonstrated the same amount of respect or restraint that I have. She repeatedly threatens them because they call me 'Mom'"...

Huh? In most cases a mother would be damn well right to be angry that her kids are calling another woman "Mom." This stunt is usually pulled on fathers--when mom decides she wants someone new, she dumps dad and then chooses a new "dad" for the kids, and attempts to make the children's father a blank spot in history (except for that child support check, of course).

Maybe, as Mrs. H claims, her stepchildren's mother isn't a very good parent. However, by Mrs. H's own admission (see below) the mom is still a part of her children's lives. As such, she is absolutely correct to be angry that her children are calling another woman "Mom." And, Mrs. H, don't bother telling me that "the stepkids call me 'Mom' because they want to"--you and your husband are the adults, you're the ones who are supposed to make the rules. I've never been divorced (thank God) but there's no way in hell I would ever allow my children to call any woman but their mother "Mom."

Mrs. H continues: Read the rest of this entry

To discuss this issue on my blog, click here.

From the Arab American News' Parents' rights group supports father in fight for visitation rights:

"Dearborn, Michigan -- A local parents' rights group has pledged its support for a Jordanian American who filed a federal lawsuit in January against the Michigan Department of Human Services.

"The lawsuit, filed by Abraham Ben-Abbad, alleges that the Department of Human Services has denied him the right to see his daughter despite explicit visitation rights granted to him in court. Ben-Abbad claims that the Department has worked with a local church to drive his daughter, Hend Almanasir, 13, away from her Muslim heritage.

"Parents for Children, a Dearborn-based group that advocates throughout Michigan for parents who have had children removed from their care, say that they have organized protests in front of courthouses in various counties and have seen children returned to their parents as a result. The group met with Ben-Abbad on Tuesday and expressed their support, even considering preparations for a possible demonstration...

"Ben-Abbad said that the Department of Human Services, and in particular a caseworker named William McDonald, had been deceptive and underhanded throughout his battle for contact with his daughter."

Read the full article here. A few observations: Read the rest of this entry

To discuss this issue on my blog, click here.

Elizabeth Marquardt of the Family Scholars blog posted this, from an Austin, Texas Craig's List advertisement:

"Do you have sperm? Attention Austin gentlemen! My name is 'Katherine' and I am a 38 year old single woman. I have been on a 15 year search of a husband to no avail. I was eager to marry so I could start a family; however, have recently set the search of marriage aside for a greater one, the one of becoming a mother.

"Where you fit in: Two words: Baby lust. I desperately want to have a biological child. Therefore, I am in search of a sperm donor...the old fashioned way! I am willing to pay you $2000 for the first time encounter, and $500 for each additional encounter, in the event the previous one(s) did not take. This encounter would be dependent on my monthly ovulation cycle."

Leaving aside for a moment the negative impact this arrangement has on Katherine's child-to-be, no guy should be under the slightest illusion for a moment that he will be able to do this and not get stuck for child support.

Legally the man has no way to deny the responsibility for child support, and whatever piece of paper he and Katherine might sign won't likely hold up in court. And don't believe for a moment Katherine's pledge that she will never demand support of you. Her self-proclaimed independence may be real, for now, but it could end the moment she no longer likes her career, has a mean new boss, or thinks she'd be better off staying home with her kid.

As for Katherine's assertion that she "has been on a 15 year search of a husband to no avail," I'm skeptical. Such failure to land a husband probably has more to do with her own female pickiness than anything else.

As for her decision to have a fatherless child, I've often pontificated on why this is bad for children. (more...)

To discuss this issue on my blog, click here.

Feminists Don't like Backtalk, part 3,678,955:

Feminist Rebecca Luttrell didn't like my co-authored column Women don't want men? Ha! (Chicago Tribune, 1/21/07) and responded in the Tribune with a letter called "Stop scaring women into marrying jerks."

The letter is a typical feminist response to my work: Say I put all blame for a social problem on women when the column makes clear that I only place some blame on women, as well as some on men? Check. Scold the newspaper for even publishing my views? Check. Threaten to cancel their subscription if they keep publishing my views? Check. Distort my argument almost beyond recognition? Check. Ignore what I actually said in the column and the research I used to back it up? Check. Criticize me not by attacking what I wrote but instead by saying it's like something bad that some other person wrote? Check.

Rebecca writes:

"This is in response to Women don't want men? Ha!  (Commentary, Jan. 21), by Jeffery M. Leving and Glenn Sacks .

"Here we go again, with another opinion piece telling women that it's all our fault.

"Increased divorce rates? Blame those uppity, shrewish women who just can't keep their (incorrect) opinions to themselves.

"Why did it take two men to write this drivel? And why did the Tribune publish it--along with an illustration of a woman impaling a man through the heart with her reptilian tongue?

"I've been debating for a long time whether to renew my subscription to the Tribune, and I think that insulting illustration may have sealed the deal.

"Oops! There I go being critical again. I'll never catch a husband with that attitude, will I? I should just shut up and let the big, strong men tell me how to act, think and feel.

"Why is it always assumed that men are OK just the way they are, but women are expected to change if they want to snag and keep a man? I'm so tired of this.

"This piece is nearly as bad as the infamous Newsweek article of 1986 telling women that they're more likely to get hit by lightning than to get married after age 35, or Christopher Hitchens' recent article admonishing us that men don't like funny women, or countless other articles telling us that men don't want women who are too smart or who make too much money.

"Enough already! Stop trying to scare women into marrying the first jerk who comes along.

"How would having women trapped in unhappy relationships benefit men individually or society at large?"

BTW, obviously I had nothing to do with the illustration of "a woman impaling a man through the heart with her reptilian tongue." Which is not to say I disagree--I think women often tongue lash their men unfairly. When men do it to women we call it "verbal abuse" or "emotional abuse." When women do it to men--which is more common, I believe--we call it nothing because we consider it nothing.

The Tribune also published a letter from one of my defenders. In "Unhappy women" Tom Sparks writes: (more...)

To discuss this issue on my blog, click here.

Wife-beating Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Brett Myers signed a three-year, $25.75 million contract today. A few comments:

1) I've criticized mandatory/presumptory arrest laws in domestic violence cases, which have led to large numbers of arrests in cases where it is questionable whether the men actually committed any abuse. Worse, "no drop" prosecution policies mandate prosecutions in these questionable cases, where the evidence is so lacking that, were it any other crime, the prosecutors wouldn't dream of prosecuting. Domestic abuse charges (as well as DV restraining orders) are sometimes used as child custody maneuvers by unscrupulous women.

Often the women involved in DV arrests seek to have the charges dropped, because the men did nothing wrong, the women take responsibility for their role in the incident, or the women believe the incident was blown way out of proportion. Prosecutors often refuse to believe these women, and insist on prosecuting their husbands or boyfriends anyway.

Feminists counter--at times correctly--that these drop requests can at times be motivated by economic dependency, because women are unfairly made to feel guilty for nonviolently "provoking" violent men, because they're in denial about the seriousness of their husbands' or boyfriends' violence, or other reasons.

Though I haven't noticed any feminist making this point, the Brett Myers case is the feminist vision of these cases come to life. Abuse charges against Myers were dropped after Kim Myers, his wife, said she did not want her husband prosecuted for hitting her in the face during an argument near Fenway Park in Boston. Kim Myers said:

"'There's no violence in our family. That night in Boston we had both been drinking...I was not hurt. I was not injured."

I believe that, when women claim that the domestic violence incident in which they were involved was blown out of proportion by the police and prosecutors, they are usually correct. In this case, I don't buy it for a minute. Several witnesses saw Brett Myers beating the hell out of Kim Myers. This wasn't a child custody maneuver or a setup--this was wife-beating. (Read more...)

To discuss this issue on my blog, click here.

According to The Associated Press' S.F. mayor admits affair in emotional public apology (2/2/07):

"Confronting a political scandal that sounds more like a soap opera, the city's handsome young mayor made an emotional apology Thursday for an affair with a former secretary - the wife of his campaign manager.

"'I want to make it clear that everything you've heard and read is true and that I'm deeply sorry about that,' Mayor Gavin Newsom said during a hastily called City Hall news conference at which he went on to apologize to the aide, his staff, his family and San Franciscans."

What bothers me about this is the way Newsom screwed over a longtime friend and loyal aide, Alex Tourk. Women are attracted to powerful men, as was Tourk's wife Ruby Rippey-Tourk. Newsom could have had most any woman he wanted--you would've thought he'd have enough respect for his friend to stay away from his wife.

Another example of why men's activists and women's activists don't see eye to eye--in the article "Advocates push gender-neutral domestic-violence laws" (Capitol Weekly, 2/1/07) misguided women's advocate Jovida Guevara-Ross, executive director of Community United Against Violence, says:

"There is a definite sense that [men's activists] are organizing to take away funding for violence against women's services the same way affirmative action has been attacked."

Um, Ms. Guevara-Ross, isn't it possible that California men's activists are just trying to help victimized men? And those funds are not supposed to be for "women's services"--they're supposed to be for services for all victims of domestic violence, regardless of their gender. That's all we're asking for ma'am...

In the past I've taken up the cause of men whose exes gave their children up for adoption without even telling the father or allowing the fathers to raise their own children. The Mark Huddleston case would be one example. This recent Canadian case would be another. I believe these cases are terrible injustices, and symbolize the way the family law system discounts fathers and discriminates against them.

The Sharicka Watson/Glenn Spraggs case represents the opposite--a father claiming he wanted to raise his own children and then not coming through. If what is in the article Where's father now? Blocked son's adoption, now has little to do with him is true, then Glenn Spraggs' conduct is despicable. According to Coolidge:

The case generated headlines - big, bold, front-page headlines: Young father fights to save his son from being given up for adoption by heartless mother.

The spotlight shone on Glenn Spraggs in January 2006 when he held himself up as a model father and stopped his girlfriend, Sharicka Watson, from putting their son up for adoption.

Spraggs said then that if Watson didn't want Thomas, he'd fight for the boy. He'd take the baby himself. That never happened.

Spraggs blocked the adoption, but he never followed through on his promises. (more...)

As I've discussed in several newspaper columns, there has been an inordinate amount of criticism directed towards David Harris, the fallen husband of 'Murder by Mercedes' killer Clara Harris. Some of the letters in the Houston Chronicle last week are good examples. Letter writers J. Busa, Debbie Wilson and Julie Bertrand all blamed the victim. Busa wrote:

"The parents of David Harris want the world to hear that their son was a 'good man.' I disagree. Harris was not a good man. He cheated on his wife, and his actions resulted in his death. There is so much pain and loss that arise from selfishness."

Wilson wrote:

"I don't understand how the parents of David Harris can stand before the cameras with quivering lips and say what a good man he was. Have they forgotten why everyone in this sad story went to the hotel that fateful day? Had Harris been at home with his wife and children instead of at a hotel with his mistress, none of this would probably have occurred."

Bertrand wrote:

"Most parents look at their children through rose-colored glasses and are grieved when a child dies, especially under these circumstances. The elder Harrises claim their son was a 'good man.' Does a 'good man' forsake the marriage vows he took?"

Amazing. As if David cheating and trying to get away from his sorry excuse for a wife--who was also apparently cheating on him--is the total sum of his 44 years on this planet.

In a column I wrote about the case a few years ago I quoted Bob Dylan's line "What has he done to wear so many scars? Has he changed the course of rivers? Has he polluted the moon and stars?" I also noted:

"In Shakespeare's tragedy King Lear, Lear is abandoned by his family with the exception of one loyal daughter, Cordelia. In the Texas tragedy David Harris has been abandoned by his family except for his loyal daughter Lindsey, who loved her father and begged her stepmother not to kill him...What did David Harris do to deserve this cruel fate? He had an affair. As Shakespeare's Marc Antony said of the fallen Caesar's 'ambition,' David's infidelity was 'a grievous fault--and grievously hath he answered it.'"

Recently the Houston Chronicle published a letter from a friend of David's. James Skipper wrote:

"I knew David Harris and, in my opinion, he was a good man -- a good son and a good father.  He succumbed to temptation just as many do. We should all be grateful that our sins have not led us and our families into such unfortunate circumstances."

Help for Michigan Dads
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