My new co-authored column, Men Blamed for Marriage Decline but Women's Relationship Wounds Often Self-Inflicted (Chicago Tribune, 1/21/07), challenges the media's celebratory, man-blaming attitude towards the new New York Times census finding on the increase of women eschewing marriage. In the column family law attorney Jeffery M. Leving and I wrote:

"The recent census data finding that for the first time the majority of American women are unmarried is being greeted in a largely celebratory tone. One metro daily explains, 'Who needs a man? Not most women.' MSNBC warns, 'Watch out, men! More women opt to live alone.' CBS says, 'More Women Saying 'I Don't.''

"One syndicated newspaper cartoon depicts a happily divorced woman remembering her ex-husband bellowing, 'Where's my dinner?! Iron my shirts!! Lose weight!!!' Several others depict women pondering the single life as their fat, lazy husbands drink beer and watch the game. One female blogger summed up the female blogosphere's reaction--'Hurray for all Single Women! You Go Girls!'...

"To what, then, do we attribute women's discontent with marriage and relationships, and the fact that they initiate the vast majority of divorces? A new Woman's Day magazine poll found that 56% of married women would not or might not marry their husbands if they could choose again--why?

"Nobody would dispute that, in selecting a mate, women are more discerning than men. This is an evolutionary necessity--a woman must carefully evaluate who is likely to remain loyal to her and protect and provide for her and her children. If a man and a woman go on a blind date and don't hit it off, the man will shrug and say 'it went OK.' The woman will give five reasons why he's not right for her.

"A woman's discerning, critical nature doesn't disappear on her wedding day. Most marital problems and marriage counseling sessions revolve around why the wife is unhappy with her husband, even though they could just as easily be about why the husband is unhappy with the wife. In this common pre-divorce scenario there are only two possibilities-either she's a great wife and he's a lousy husband, or she's far more critical of him than he is of her. Usually it's the latter.

"Despite this week's media homilies, it's doubtful that many men or women are truly happy alone. Much of women's cheerful 'I don't need a man/I love my cats' reaction has a hollow ring to it, and sounds a lot more like whistling in the dark than a celebration.

"Yes, there are some men who make poor mates, but not nearly enough to account for the divorce epidemic and the decline of marriage. While it's easy and popular to blame men, many of the wounds women bear from failed relationships and loneliness are self-inflicted."

Those interested in writing a Letter to the Editor to the Chicago Tribune about Women don't want men? Ha! (1/21/07), click on ctc-TribLetter@Tribune.com.

To discuss this issue on my blog, click here.

Ripoffreport.com is now turning its fire on "deadbeat" parents, seeking to humiliate them on television. RipoffReport.com's new home page ad states:

WANTED
DEAD BEAT DADS & MOMS
PUT YOUR DEADBEAT SPOUSE ON TV!!!
So maybe you can finally COLLECT $$$

WANTED
Moms or dads who are owed more than six months child support by a deadbeat spouse...

After you filed your Rip-off Report email us at Editor@ripoffreport.com
Rip-off Report will forward your filed Report to Producers.

The owner(s) of RipoffReport.com probably have no clue what obstacles many divorced fathers face, and the ways the system often manufactures so-called "deadbeat" parents. I invite my readers to politely educate them by clicking here.

If you're too busy for that, just send them my recent co-authored column When Beating up on 'Deadbeat Dads' is Unfair (Houston Chronicle, 1/7/07)--that explains it.

Feminists Call My Chicago Tribune Column 'Hateful', 'Virulent'

Feminist writers/bloggers Amanda Marcotte and Catherine Price aren't fond of my recent column Women don't want men? Ha! (Chicago Tribune, 1/21/07). Marcotte called the article "hateful" and Price dubbed it "virulent" and "remarkably harsh."

Both of their reactions fit in well with one of my criticisms of feminism--when we criticize men, it's fine, when we criticize women, it's sexism. And--no surprise--neither Marcotte nor Price actually dealt with the substance of what I said in the column.

Marcotte always assumes that if a wife has ended a marriage (which is how most marriages end), it's because the marriage was an "unequal partnership" where the wife had to do all of the work for some lazy, sexist slob of a guy. My co-authored column put forth research showing that this isn't true--that as a whole the labor is divided equally in American households, when work both in the home and in the labor market is considered.

My column's other point--that women are sometimes excessively critical of men--was also not meaningfully challenged by either Marcotte or Price, though they made it clear that they didn't like it. Reasonable people can disagree whether I'm right or wrong. Instead, Marcotte and Price do what feminists usually do--rather than deal with an argument, they instead give it a nasty label like "Hateful" or "Remarkably harsh" and declare the case closed.

(Note--I actually like Marcotte personally, though I'm not sure the feeling is mutual. There are actually many feminists--including Martha Burk, Helen Grieco [head of California NOW], Gloria Allred, Lynn Gold-Bikin [feminist family law attorney], Michael Kimmel, and others--who I like personally, despite their misguided views. Marcotte's writing is often entertaining and witty, though she is, of course, massively unfair to men. Amanda was my guest on His Side with Glenn Sacks a couple years ago for our show Families and Fathers Conference 2005: Civil Rights Leaders or Reactionary Patriarchs?).

Read Marcotte's views at Conservative reaction: Get married because we say so! and Price's at Overcritical women and their excessive expectations.

To discuss this issue on my blog, click here. 

I guess my father liked him partly because they had two things in common--baseball and a disgust with segregation. My grandfather owned a produce business and as a child my father enjoyed talking with some of his father's black employees. Much to the annoyance of my grandmother, he soon became outspoken on the subject of civil rights. He would tell his mom that blacks were as good as whites and my grandmother would wring her hands in frustration.

One time, when my dad was 18, some students in his college dormitory wouldn't speak to him because he argued for full integration. He was also labeled a "communist" for his views. I guess it's an example of how much America has changed.

Anyway, the other day I was reading Veeck's 1962 autobiography Veeck as in Wreck, and Veeck mentions something in passing which I find very interesting. Veeck's wife divorced him, in part because she "didn't like the people Veeck associated with"--baseball men and journalists.

Unlike other owners, Veeck was not a rich man and had no independent fortune, so when his wife divorced him he was forced to sell the Cleveland Indians--who he had built into a championship team--in order to pay her divorce settlement. I don't want to blame her--Veeck may well have been over-involved in his work, as men sometimes are, and Ms. Veeck needed money to raise their three kids.

Nonetheless, there is something Veeck mentions in passing in his book which is extremely sad and revealing. His wife and he had split up, and she nixed an attempted reconciliation. Always a fan favorite, in 1948 Veeck was the toast of Cleveland as his Indians had won the American League pennant for the first time in three decades.

Veeck's Indians had a 3-1 lead in the World Series, and played the deciding game 5 in Cleveland. There were 86,288 paid in attendance--at that point the largest crowd in the history of organized baseball. Veeck's oldest son, Will Jr., was 11 years-old and lived with his mother and two siblings, but Bill Veeck brought him to the park to watch the game.

At the game Bill turned to his son and said, "Isn't this great? Did you ever see such a tremendous crowd? Did you ever see anything in your life like this?"

Bill Veeck's 11 year-old son replied:

"How come you couldn't have been a scientist or something I could have been proud of?"

What an extremely unusual reaction for an 11 year-old boy in that situation. I wonder who taught him how to think like that?

Veeck writes that his son later went to MIT and became a teacher, and that "I'm an admirer of his, unfortunately from a distance."

Veeck was one of the most adored and popular figures in all of baseball history--any idea why his son would be so hostile to him?

To discuss this issue on my blog, click here. 

Looks like former Pennsylvania legislator Mark S. McNaughton got the shaft in family court, as the court demanded that he pay more than his full salary in child support and alimony.

According to this article, he was labeled a "deadbeat" after he didn't pay the full amount, but instead paid a still hefty 55% of his take home pay. Because he was defamed and financially drained, he was unable to run for re-election, even though he had served three consecutive terms previously.

The kicker? He paid $14,000 extra in child support but his ex-wife "does not expect to have to repay her ex-husband the $14,000 once their settlement is final." And I don't blame her for this expectation. As I often say, in family law, court orders are for men--women need not pay attention to them.

According to McNaughton wins cut in child support payment (Harrisburg Patriot-News, 1/27/07):

"A Dauphin County judge has upheld former state Rep. Mark S. McNaughton's claim that he overpaid child support and alimony.

"McNaughton owed considerably less during the past three and a half years than he was originally ordered to pay in July 2003, according to a Dec. 15 decision by Judge Jeannine Turgeon.

"'Everyone's running around saying I'm a deadbeat dad,' said McNaughton, 43, of Susquehanna Twp., whose children are 18, 16 and 11 years old.

"'I knew I was right all along. ... I not only paid my child support, I paid in excess, $14,000.' Read the rest of this entry  

To discuss this issue on my blog, click here. 

From the satirical publication The Onion, a sad but true commentary on the way we middle-aged Americans are just "too busy" to give proper time to our aging parents. And no, I don't think the piece would be much different if we substituted "mother" for "father". From Father's Dying Wish A Real Hassle:

HARRISON, TN--The last wish of Gerard Sumlin, who died last month at 68, is "a real pain in the ass," his children reported Monday.

The grave of Gerard Sumlin, who asked that his children do this whole big pain-in-the-ass lilac-planting job.

"On his deathbed, Dad asked us to make sure there were always beautiful lilac bushes on the side of his sister Helen's house," said daughter Monica Torres, 42. "We were all crying and swore we would. But I guess we weren't really thinking about what a huge hassle it would be."

Added Torres: "I don't know anything about planting lilacs. What if we do it wrong, and they die? Then we'd have to do the whole thing again next year. Why couldn't he have just asked for us to spread his ashes in his favorite park or something?"

Sumlin made the request on April 13, upon being admitted to St. Peter's Hospital in Chattanooga after suffering a massive heart attack. His children were only able to spend a few moments with him before he died.

"Dad wasn't very lucid because of all the drugs," said son David Sumlin, 39. "At one point, he grabbed my hand and made me promise that Monica and I would plant the lilacs. In the moment, it seemed like a small request, but now that we actually have to follow through on it, that's a whole other story."

According to David, Sumlin was once extremely close to his sister Helen. As children, the siblings used to spend a lot of time playing under the family's lilac bush. However, a bitter fight over family finances drove the two apart as young adults, and they never reconciled.

"I understand Dad wanting to plant the lilacs as a gesture of peace toward Aunt Helen," Torres said. "It just sucks that David and I have to do all the work. Dad's not going to have to slave outside in the hot sun and get his hands dirty, but he gets to die with a clean conscience. Sounds like a win-win situation for him." Read the rest of this entry  

To discuss this issue on my blog, click here. 

After the publication of my co-authored column Suppose roles had been reversed in Harris case--Murdered dad deserves sympathy being shown Clara (Houston Chronicle, 1/27/07) Bill, a Houston area divorced dad, sent me a letter he sent to the Chronicle relating to my column.

Bill's story reads like a checklist of the letters I get, or the callers who call in when I'm discussing male victims of domestic violence on the radio. Wife used element of surprise to balance the scales? Check. Husband reported crime to police and they tried to arrest him, the victim, instead of arresting her, the abuser? Check. Husband was afraid of defending himself because he knew the police would arrest him, not her? Check. Wife able to abuse with impunity without fear of legal consequence or punishment? Check. Father can't leave his abusive wife because he knows she'll get custody? Check. He finally leaves her and then she does get custody? Check.

Bill writes: Read the rest of this entry

To discuss this issue on my blog, click here.

"Growing up, it didn't matter that I don't have a dad -- or at least that is what I told myself. Just sometimes, when I was small, I would daydream about a tall, lean man picking me up and swinging me around in the front yard, a manly man melting at a touch from his little girl. I wouldn't have minded if he weren't around all the time, as long as I could have the sweet moments of reuniting with his strong arms and hearty laugh. My daydreams always ended abruptly; I knew I would never have a dad. As a coping mechanism, I used to think that he was dead. That made it easier."

I commented that Clark's words reminded me of a touching passage called "The Dream Dad" from Wisdom of Our Fathers in which Janet Rogozinski wrote:

"My father died when I was less than two years old. I have no memory of him, and my widowed mother, in her pain, moved on, remarried, and never mentioned him again. I grew up without an image or likeness to understand who I came from. But I also grew strong and responsible, hearing in my head endless advice that I was sure my father would have given me, had he lived. In a way I had the best of imaginary fathers, because I could justify almost anything with, 'If my father were alive, he would approve.' With age and wisdom, I learned that the fantasy had served me well.

"After I turned forty, my mother gave me a photo of my father in uniform during World War II, so strong and handsome. With three children of my own, I suddenly turned into a daughter for a few weeks, staring at the picture. Each night I would kiss him good night, touch his cheek on the photo, look into his eyes, and wonder what he was thinking. I somehow bonded with the father I never had."

Rogozinski had read Clark's article and been struck by it. Recently she wrote me the following letter: (more...)

To discuss this issue on my blog, click here.

I've fortunately managed to avoid dating at middle age (so far, anyway) but I sure hope it's not like this satirical Onion piece:

"PARKER, CO--After years of unrelenting disappointment and failure on the dating scene, eligible singles Karen Ridenour and Paul Klein forged an instant, clinging bond last month through a mutual desperation born mainly out of an intense fear of being unloved for the rest of their lives.

"Klein and Ridenour celebrate their one-month anniversary at a local eatery.

"'I can't believe how blessed I am to finally have another human in my life,' said Ridenour, 40, on Tuesday. 'Just when I was on the verge of giving up hope, along came a guy who wasn't married, gay, or repulsed by the sight of me, and my whole life changed.'

"Added Ridenour: "God, I'm just so glad I found him. Or anybody."

To read the rest of the story or to discuss it on my blog, click here.

I've received hundreds of letters from aggrieved Texas fathers since the Houston Chronicle published my co-authored column When Beating up on 'Deadbeat Dads' is Unfair (1/7/07). The column criticizes Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott's new jihad against alleged child support evaders. Below is an interesting letter I received from Tom, a Texas police officer. Some of you will see the story as an outlier, and years ago I would have, too, but through my work I've seen that this man's experiences are, in fact, very common. The letter reads: Read the rest of this entry  

To discuss this issue on my blog, click here.

According to NBC News in Atlanta's State Payouts for Freed Prisoners?:

"After nearly 22 years behind bars for a rape and kidnapping he didn't commit, Willie Pete Williams is a free man.

"Pete Williams has spent nearly half his life in prison. Now the 44-year-old must think about a job, a place to live, and the future.

"He could get some financial help from the state of Georgia.

"'There is a process in Georgia where anyone who is wronged by the state can apply for compensation. You petition the compensation board, which is part of the Secretary of State's Office,' said state Rep. Stephanie Stuckey Benfield, a Democrat from Decatur.

"The Legislature must then vote on the dollar amount.

"The state gave Clarence Harrison $1 million spread out over 20 years after he spent 18 years in prison for a rape he didn't commit, and $600,000 to Calvin Johnson who spent 16 years behind bars before he was cleared of rape charges. Johnson says the money helped but there are many things money can't buy...

"Williams was released from custody on Tuesday night after DNA tests showed he did not commit a 1985 rape."

To read more and to discuss this issue on my blog, click here.

I wrote recently about feminist DV advocate Evan Stark labeling me a 'Notorious Right-Wing Nutcase'. Leslie, one of his former students, saw it and wrote in. Leslie writes:

"I actually had professor Stark in school. He is the single reason I left. He is a secular progressive dictator. It is either his view of the world or no way. He is the king of making everyone a victim so that he and his physician wife can 'save' them."

Leslie's description sounds in character for what I know of Stark's political views. However, to be fair, I was a teacher too, and even though I was successful at it, it certainly would be possible to find students who didn't like me or bore a grudge for whatever reason. Perhaps Leslie's view of Stark is not held by most of his students. Or perhaps it is.

To discuss this issue on my blog, click here.
 

Help for Michigan Dads
Michigan family law attorney Mindy L. Hitchcock has experience fighting for noncustodial parents against Michigan's abusive FOC. Her holistic approach to divorce gets results for her clients while avoiding the scorched earth approach to law that leaves families emotionally and financially devastated. www.Lady4Justice.com

The LaMusga Company
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File Taxes Online with  Professional Help
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Legal Help for Fathers
If you live in Los Angeles, Riverside or Orange counties and you're facing a divorce, separation, or a child custody issue, the law firm of Oddenino & Gaule can help. www.OddLaw.net

How Does Sex Discrimination Affect Men and Boys?
The National Coalition of Free Men Los Angeles is a non-profit educational & civil rights organization that looks at the ways sex discrimination affects men and boys. NCFM-LA helps provide men a unified voice on important political and social issues. www.NCFMLA.org