New Column: Russert's New Bestseller
Reflects America's Father Hunger

October 17, 2006

Social Worker Has Interesting Perspective on Domestic Violence, Child Abuse

One of my readers is a social worker who has an interesting, insider's perspective on domestic violence and child abuse. He wrote me after reading my columns on AB 2051. The social worker wrote:

"I have been a child protection investigator and currently work in a capacity where I do therapy with families in crisis, usually dealing with CPS in some way. I do not have statistics but a majority of abuse/neglect cases are related to behaviors of women, either in picking loser guys for boyfriends or they are the perpetrators.

"One of the worst abuse investigations I ever did the mother was the perpetrator, and a few years ago I worked a case where the mother beat her 4 year old daughter to death. The child had so many marks you could hardly find a place not marked-bruised, cut, or scraped.

"Regarding domestic violence, I agree that men are usually the perpetrators. However, there are many cases where the men are arrested for simply trying to get way from the wife/girlfriend punching or throwing things at him. I also often run into cases where a woman has lied about what she has said to police to keep a father away from his children in divorce/separation cases. It is a very common tactic in divorces, and in most cases the courts will take what the woman says as fact when there is absolutely no truth in the accusations. And protective orders are issued with false allegations, which results in supervised visitation or no visitation between fathers and their children, or no chance for custody of the children.

"Some of these issues were quite a wake-up call for me because I used to believe all the stories about abused women and abuse/neglect issues with fathers/men as the perps. However, life experience has shown me that women are just as capable as men to be violent and that women are the perpetrators much more often than people want to believe. It is a part of society that seems to escape having the truth exposed. I had to learn to take each case and start from the beginning and not to assume a thing.

"Kids also learn, in abuse cases, that they can lie about allegations against parents to get them into trouble. Kids learn to behave from their parents (or primary caregivers), so it is any wonder why this problem is increasing?

"Domestic violence courts are a joke because the people/alleged victims take it that way. Protective orders are filed and then dropped when they want to make up with the alleged perp. I have been to too many DV courts where women joke around talking about how they are going to show their man what they can do."

Get ready for a good cry. Reader John Stano sent me this incredible story, "Strongest Dad in the World," by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated:

"I try to be a good father. Give my kids mulligans. Work nights to pay for their text messaging. Take them to swimsuit shoots.

"But compared with Dick Hoyt, I stink.

"Eighty-five times he's pushed his disabled son, Rick, 26.2 miles in marathons. Eight times he's not only pushed him 26.2 miles in a wheelchair but also towed him 2.4 miles in a dinghy while swimming and pedaled him 112 miles in a seat on the handlebars-all in the same day.

"Dick's also pulled him cross-country skiing, taken him on his back mountain climbing and once hauled him across the U.S. on a bike. Makes taking your son bowling look a little lame, right?

"And what has Rick done for his father? Not much--except save his life.

"This love story began in Winchester, Mass., 43 years ago, when Rick was strangled by the umbilical cord during birth, leaving him brain-damaged and unable to control his limbs.

"'He'll be a vegetable the rest of his life;' Dick says doctors told him and his wife, Judy, when Rick was nine months old. 'Put him in an institution.'

"But the Hoyts weren't buying it. They noticed the way Rick's eyes followed them around the room. When Rick was 11 they took him to the engineering department at Tufts University and asked if there was anything to help the boy communicate. 'No way,' Dick says he was told. 'There's nothing going on in his brain.'

"'Tell him a joke,' Dick countered. They did. Rick laughed. Turns out a lot was going on in his brain.

"Rigged up with a computer that allowed him to control the cursor by touching a switch with the side of his head, Rick was finally able to communicate. First words? 'Go Bruins!' And after a high school classmate was paralyzed in an accident and the school organized a charity run for him, Rick pecked out, 'Dad, I want to do that.'

"Yeah, right. How was Dick, a self-described 'porker' who never ran more than a mile at a time, going to push his son five miles? Still, he tried. 'Then it was me who was handicapped,' Dick says. 'I was sore for two weeks.' That day changed Rick's life. 'Dad,' he typed, 'when we were running, it felt like I wasn't disabled anymore!'

"And that sentence changed Dick's life. He became obsessed with giving Rick that feeling as often as he could. He got into such hard-belly shape that he and Rick were ready to try the 1979 Boston Marathon.

"'No way,' Dick was told by a race official. The Hoyts weren't quite a single runner, and they weren't quite a wheelchair competitor. For a few years Dick and Rick just joined the massive field and ran anyway, then they found a way to get into the race officially: In 1983 they ran another marathon so fast they made the qualifying time for Boston the following year.

"Then somebody said, 'Hey, Dick, why not a triathlon?'

"How's a guy who never learned to swim and hadn't ridden a bike since he was six going to haul his 110-pound kid through a triathlon? Still, Dick tried.

"Now they've done 212 triathlons, including four grueling 15-hour Ironmans in Hawaii. It must be a buzzkill to be a 25-year-old stud getting passed by an old guy towing a grown man in a dinghy, don't you think?

"Hey, Dick, why not see how you'd do on your own? 'No way,' he says. Dick does it purely for 'the awesome feeling' he gets seeing Rick with a cantaloupe smile as they run, swim and ride together.

"This year, at ages 65 and 43, Dick and Rick finished their 24th Boston Marathon, in 5,083rd place out of more than 20,000 starters. Their best time? Two hours, 40 minutes in 1992--only 35 minutes off the world record, which, in case you don't keep track of these things, happens to be held by a guy who was not pushing another man in a wheelchair at the time.

"'No question about it,' Rick types. 'My dad is the Father of the Century.'

"And Dick got something else out of all this too. Two years ago he had a mild heart attack during a race. Doctors found that one of his arteries was 95% clogged. 'If you hadn't been in such great shape,' one doctor told him, 'you probably would've died 15 years ago.'

"So, in a way, Dick and Rick saved each other's life.

"Rick, who has his own apartment (he gets home care) and works in Boston, and Dick, retired from the military and living in Holland, Mass., always find ways to be together. They give speeches around the country and compete in some backbreaking race every weekend, including this Father's Day.

"That night, Rick will buy his dad dinner, but the thing he really wants to give him is a gift he can never buy.

"'The thing I'd most like,' Rick types, 'is that my dad sits in the chair and I push him once.'"

To watch an incredible video of this father and son doing a triathlon together, click here. 

I discussed my recent co-authored column Are Single Mothers the 'New American Family?' (World Net Daily, 9/28/06) on the nationally-syndicated Mike McConnell Show on Thursday, October 5. To listen to the 20 minute audio of the show, click here. 

Did You Never See Your Divorce Coming?

A magazine writer contacted me looking for men who never saw their divorces coming. I know that's the case with many of you--if you're interested in speaking with this writer about it, click here.

A Hot Election Issue in Your State?

Is there a ballot initiative or a political race in your state which is significant for our movement? If there is, let me know by clicking here. Please provide links to the issue in question and be brief.

Apparently my co-authored column NOW at 40: Group's Opposition to Shared Parenting Contradicts Its Goal of Gender Equality (New York Daily News, 7/27/06) didn't sit well with the leaders of the National Organization for Women. In the column we chastised NOW for its opposition to shared parenting. Mike McCormick, Executive Director of the American Coalition for Fathers & Children and I wrote:

"The National Organization for Women turned 40 this summer, and formally celebrated its anniversary at its national conference in July. NOW President Kim Gandy has proudly recounted her organization's successes in opening up opportunities for women, and says they are 'never giving up the dream of full equality for all.'

"Unfortunately, on some issues--particularly in family law and child custody--NOW's policies and actions contradict its ideals of 'full equality for all.' This is most evident in the group's dogged opposition to joint custody and shared parenting."

Marcia Pappas, the President of the New York state National Organization for Women, and Irene Weiser, Executive Director of Stop Family Violence, have fired back with their op-ed Fathers' Responsibilities Before Fathers' Rights. Their arguments against shared parenting are: domestic violence; fathers are greedy and don't want to pay child support; domestic violence; mothers shouldn't be forced to share custody with their children's fathers if they don't feel like it; domestic violence; shared custody legislation applies a cookie cutter solution, as opposed to current law which gives dads only every other weekend visitation yet somehow isn't a "cookie cutter" solution; domestic violence; domestic violence; and domestic violence. Read their full column here.

Our side handed Pappas and Weiser one last Spring, and the two are sure to note it. They wrote:

"Ironically, it is members of the so called 'father's rights' groups that have engaged in scare tactics. After the mandatory joint custody legislation, A330, was defeated in the New York legislature, NY State Assembly Leader Sheldon Silver received a threat from the co-director of the father's rights group of NY State, an affiliate of McCormick's national organization, implying there could be violence if joint custody legislation is not passed."

What really happened was that a member of a New York father's group wrote an asinine, but completely nonthreatening, letter to the legislators in Albany after Darren Mack murdered his wife back in June. Like any smart politician, Sheldon Silver, a prominent New York legislative opponent of shared parenting, played it for all it was worth, pretending to be "threatened" by the letter. Now Pappas and Weiser are also exploiting it, and I can't really say I blame them.

(Incidentally, the shared parenting bill we fought for was not "mandatory joint custody legislation"--it would've created a presumption of shared custody for fit parents).

Pappas and I have clashed on numerous occasions in the past. We dueled in a point/counterpoint in the Albany Times Union in March over A330, the New York Shared Parenting bill, and also debated on Fox News' Day Side the previous year.

During our unsuccessful Campaign in Support of New York Shared Parenting Bill (March 7, 2006 - April 25, 2006) Pappas was the opposition's main point person. After we launched the campaign in support of A330, the National Organization for Women and Stop Family Violence counterattacked, both launching action alerts and campaigns against the bill. The number of calls and letters we generated greatly dwarfed those of our opposition--see NY Assemblywoman on NY Shared Parenting Bill: Many Letters in Support, Few Opposed, for example--but we were defeated anyway.

In my co-authored column Brett Myers Case Obscures an Important Truth About Domestic Violence Arrests (Delaware County Daily Times [Philadelphia], 8/2/06)  I wrote:

"Spousal abuse arrests are often dubious, in part because of misguided domestic violence laws and law enforcement policies.

"Seattle police lieutenant Greg Schmidt, who created the Seattle Police Department's domestic violence investigation unit in 1994, says that the mandatory arrest laws of most states force police officers to make arrests 'in petty incidents, often where the abuse is mutual or it is unclear who the aggressor was.'

"Moreover, Schmidt asserts, the dominant aggressor doctrine instructs police to downplay who struck the first blow in a domestic incident, and discourages dual arrests, which are often an appropriate measure. Instead, officers are pressured to see men and only men as the offenders."

I pointed to the Scott Erickson case as an example, noting:

"Erickson was arrested after he called the police during an altercation with his girlfriend in July of 2002. According to the Associated Press, the Baltimore police concluded that Erickson's girlfriend Lisa Ortiz: initiated the fight by hurling objects; decided to come back twice after Erickson carried her out of the apartment; repeatedly kicked the apartment door; caused Erickson two minor injuries, one of them to his pitching arm; and herself suffered no injuries.

"Nonetheless, the police arrested Erickson under Maryland's mandatory arrest law. Afterwards Ortiz publicly stated that Erickson, who did not pursue her either time after carrying her out, 'has never been physically abusive toward me.'"

I've noted that often women involved in these incidents seek to have the charges dropped because they take responsibility for their role in the incident or believe the incident was blown way out of proportion. I have complained publicly that often prosecutors refuse to believe these women, and insist on prosecuting their husbands or boyfriends anyway. The "no drop" policies which feminists have pushed through many states legislatures mean that prosecutors often prosecute domestic violence cases whose evidence is so lacking that they would never even be considered for prosecution were it any other crime.

I've also noted that feminists counter--at times correctly--that these drop requests can at times be motivated by economic dependency, because women are unfairly made to feel guilty for nonviolently "provoking" violent men, because they're in denial about the seriousness of their husbands' or boyfriends' violence, or other reasons.

Well, last week  the feminists' vision of these cases came to life. According to the Associated Press article After wife's request, charges dropped vs. Phils' Myers:

"An abuse charge against Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Brett Myers was dismissed Thursday after his wife said she did not want her husband prosecuted for hitting her in the face during an argument near Fenway Park.

"Myers and his wife, Kim, arrived at a Boston courthouse on Thursday.

"Boston Municipal Judge Raymond Dougan accepted as fact that Myers struck his wife on June 23 but dismissed the charge -- despite the objection of prosecutors -- after Kim Myers agreed to an 'accord of satisfaction' showing she did not want the charge pursued.

"'There's no violence in our family. That night in Boston we had both been drinking,' Kim Myers told the judge. 'I was not hurt. I was not injured.'

"Authorities say the two were arguing when Brett Myers struck his wife. One witness told investigators he pulled her hair.

"Police responded to a 911 call and found Myers' wife crying and with a swollen face, prosecutors said. Officers found Myers nearby and arrested him. The 6-foot-4, 240-pound Myers was booked by Boston police, and his wife posted his $200 bail.

"'There appears to be no coercion or pressure that resulted in this being filed,' Dougan said of the accord, though he acknowledged it's hard to identify coercion in domestic violence cases.

"The judge noted the couple has been in marriage counseling since shortly after the fight.

"Assistant District Attorney Susan Terrey had wanted Myers to plead guilty to assault, serve two years of probation, enter a program for spousal abusers and undergo alcohol abuse evaluation.

"Kim Myers said the counseling has helped the couple, who have two children, and she denied other physical abuse.

"'This is not something that happens on a daily basis,' she said. 'Or ever.'"

I believe that most women who claim that the domestic violence incident in which they were involved was blown out of proportion by the police and prosecutors are correct. In this case, I don't buy it for a minute. Several witnesses saw Brett Myers beating the hell out of Kim Myers on a Boston street. This wasn't a custody maneuver or a setup--this was wife-beating, and Brett Myers should have done jail time for it.

The Bismarck Tribune came out against the North Dakota Shared Parenting Initiative in the editorial Turn down initiative on child custody (10/8/06). They're certainly entitled to their opinion, but their argument seems rather weak to me. They write:

"Commonly called 'the shared parenting initiative,' the Child Custody and Support Initiative, which will appear as Measure No. 3 on the election ballot next month, has provoked a remarkable amount of discussion around the state this year.

"The discussion has tended not to be measured and dispassionate. Many of the voices have been quite heated; much of the discussion has been severely slanted.

"North Dakota voters should reject the initiated measure for several good reasons, but afterward the discussion should resume. There are some relevant issues presented by the initiative that must be considered on their merit.

"It's just that the initiative would make bad law.

"The Tribune's editorial board has heard presentations commending the initiative and urging its defeat.

"Board members listened to both sides saying that the interests of children of divorcing parents matter greatly -- proponents of the proposal claim that to require divorcing parents to develop a shared parenting agreement and to accept 50-50 parenting (barring the provable unfitness of one of them) will benefit the children after the divorce is granted. Both parents are assumed to want to be equally involved in their children's lives.

"The phrase 'shared parenting' has a good feel to it. It feels so much better than 'custody battle' and 'embittered ex-spouses playing tug-of-war with the children.'

"The initiative's feel-good tag notwithstanding, there are flaws. There is a mechanical approach toward custody, a calculation of so much time the children must spend here, an equal period of time there. If the parents want the period to be a six-month bloc, what kind of life is that for the kids?

"The discussion of the issues raised by the initiative has most often run aground when the debate is steered toward money.

"The initiative's backers want the money paid by one spouse to the other to be strictly limited to covering the children's "basic needs," without saying explicitly what they are. The present system for calculating child support is cumbersome and doesn't uniformly work fairly, but it's better than a vague, possibly Spartan notion of what a child really needs during the years growing up.

"Opponents have raised a shrill outcry that the initiative's approach toward child support would cost the state $79 million in withheld federal funds, including Temporary Aid to Needy Families.

"That may or may not be, but it misses the point. The focus should not be on whether the state rakes in money, but on how children and those who are raising them are to be supported -- with fairness to the custodial and the noncustodial parents.

"Fundamental issues need much more discussion, such as how justice is to be done to both genders in divorce, in custody and in the financial dealings between former spouses. Quite possibly, laws need to be changed. The legislative session will be a good opportunity for discussion.

"The initiated measure does not adequately address the shortcomings of the present system. It should not pass."

To comment to the Bismarck Tribune about the editorial, click go to the bottom of  this page.

I've always thought that it would have been better to leave child support out of the Initiative and focus instead on the custody aspect, and this editorial supports my point--we get sidetracked on the child support sideshow and ignore the crucial custody aspect of the debate.

Despite this, I support this Initiative, and have co-authored two columns in support of it, North Dakota Shared Parenting Initiative Will Help Children of Divorce (Grand Forks Herald, 7/18/06) and North Dakota Shared Parenting Initiative Helps Women, Too (Grand Forks Herald, 9/24/06).

Last week there was an interesting debate between readers of the Grand Forks Herald over the Initiative--to read the letters, see Readers React to My Column on Women and Shared Parenting.

North Dakota Shared Parenting Initiative Looking for Volunteers

The North Dakota Shared Parenting Initiative will be on the ballot November 7 and the Initiative's organizers are looking for volunteers willing to donate their time. This measure will undoubtedly have an affect on all 50 states if it passes. One need not be a North Dakota resident to help--those interested should contact Mitchell Sanderson at mitchell_sanderson@hotmail.com or phone (701) 331-0410.

From the Associated Press article Wabash man ordered to sit under sign for not paying support (10/4/06):

"A judge ordered that a man who has failed to pay child support must spend his days sitting in a county building's lobby under a sign reading 'I don't support my kids.'

"Wabash Circuit Judge Robert McCallen III said he imposed the sentence against Michael Booth, 33, of Wabash not as a special punishment, but to avoid adding to the overcrowding of the county jail.

"The judge cited Booth for contempt of court, but said he would release Booth from sitting under the sign once he begins working at a job or shows he is making a sufficient attempt to find one.

"Booth could not be located for comment as no home telephone number was listed in his name."

As I've discussed on numerous occasions, "deadbeat  dads" are often just deadbroke dads. To learn more, see my co-authored column Federal Child Support Enforcement Cuts Will Hurt Bureaucrats, not Children (Las Vegas Review-Journal, 12/17/05, Riverside Press-Enterprise, 12/16/05). It would have been nice to hear this dad's side of the story.

Still, maybe this is one of the guys who deserved his punishment. But I can't help but wonder how many times this judge has made a recalcitrant mother sit under a sign which reads "I interfere with my children's father's parenting time."

Best Wishes,
Glenn Sacks
GlennSacks.com

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